We Go Down Together
by heartvshand
Summary: Who are we kidding? We've always been more than best friends.
1. The Dreams

We Go Down Together

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Chapter 1: The Dreams

"I'm so happy you finally asked me out. I always thought I'd just take this crush to the grave." Alex laughed and tucked a chunk of hair behind her ear. She smiled, leaned in and kissed me. Her hands threaded through my hair as mine wound around her waist, clutching her hips as if my life depended on it. I pressed my lips to hers and hoped we could just do this forever.

I opened my eyes and found myself in my dark bedroom. I rolled on to my side and looked out the window, watching the moonlight sneaking through the curtains. That had been the fifth dream this week. I didn't know what my problem was, but not talking to my best friend of ten years about it was killing me.

I sighed. How would I even bring that up to her? I could just imagine saying, "Hey, so, I've been dreaming of kissing you. Weird, huh?" That would be followed by awkward laughter and then adding just kidding, or maybe changing the subject quickly. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around my pillow. Who was I kidding? If I said that, things would just change between us. If I said that, there would be no "taking it back".

I cuddled the pillow tighter and wished it was Alex. I'd discontinued sleepovers with her after I'd started having these dreams three months ago. It was killing me, because I could tell she thought I was mad at her.

I rolled over, away from the window. I was greeted with a picture frame sitting on my nightstand; it had bright, multi-color, foam letters glued to it: "Best Friends Forever!" The photo inside was Alex and me, sitting in a boat on a lake. It had been taken several years ago; we were fourteen. We had been on vacation with her family. I reached out and grabbed it.

Why was I dreaming about kissing her? Did I like her? Did I like girls? I'd never dreamt of a girl in sexual ways, but suddenly, I'm dreaming about Alex like that? I didn't get it. I'd dated several guys. I'd never slept with any of them, but I liked kissing them…I thought. Even though it was just a dream, her kisses were warmer, her body felt good in my grip, against my own.

I traced my finger over her face. She had mud smeared across her forehead, her hair was sweaty, her flannel button up was crinkled and her jean shorts were ripped and a little damp. Her brown eyes were sparkling in the sun as she looked at the equally messy me. We'd been fishing all morning with her dad and I hadn't even realized he'd been taking pictures until she gave me a copy of all of them.

My finger glided over her hair, tracing the longest strand not in her falling ponytail down her cheek. We both looked so happy with our wide, toothy smiles and our eyes glued to each other. I set the frame back in its spot and stared at the ceiling.

"Wake up sleepyhead!" The bed shifted under me and I opened my eyes. Alex smiled down at me, her feet planted on either side of my body as she stood over me.

I rubbed my eyes and glanced at the clock next to the photo on my nightstand. "Shit."

"Good morning to you, too!" She plopped down next to me. "We need to leave."

I groaned. We had plans to take a day trip to the zoo; staying awake to ponder my feelings was instantly a small regret.

"None of that five minutes business. We've only got a month of summer left. We have to make the most of it. It's our last one."

I sighed. We had a month and a half left before our senior year started. I stretched, letting out another moan. "Can't we go to the zoo tomorrow? Let's stay in and watch scary movies."

She sat up and pointed her index finger at me. "I see what you're doing. You're trying to make me sleepy, lure me in with scary movies. I need you to stop being so suggestive." She hopped off the bed and winked. "Now come on, let's go to the zoo today. Tomorrow we can rent scary movies and stay in bed…or, uh, the couch." She looked away.

I opened my mouth, but didn't know what to say. Ever since I'd started having my dreams, I'd been weird about sharing a bed with her. I threw the covers back, got up and tackled her. We fell back on to the bed, side by side, my arms wrapped around hers. My heart sped up at the full body contact.

I kissed the back of her head and spoke into her hair. "None of this couch nonsense. We'll stay in bed all day tomorrow. It's way more comfortable." Surely, I could handle being in a bed with her during the day. At night, things were just different. The vibe between us was…weird. Our knees would touch and suddenly I would want to roll on top of her and kiss her neck, and couldn't. Her breath would tickle my neck, and I'd want to roll over, face her, tell her she was beautiful and give her a kiss, and would have to refrain. Surely, that would go away in the daytime.

I stared at the back of her head, her soft black hair. Maybe it was just the nighttime. It made me feel free, like I was allowed to explore, there in the dark, without any watchful eyes. It made me feel alone, as if everything I was thinking was actually okay and normal and I wasn't a completely crazy person for thinking those taboo things.

"Uhh, Mitch?" She laughed nervously. "Are we just gonna lie here, halfway on the bed, cuddling?"

My face warmed and I loosened my grip on her and sat up. "Sorry. I got lost in my head."

She pushed herself off the bed and giggled. "I thought you might have fallen asleep." She pulled me up and pushed me towards my closet. "Come on, change and get ready so we can go to the zoo." She held the 'o' on the end of zoo, stretching the word.

#

We walked along the paved path, looking at the creatures in each exhibit. Our arms brushed against one another every now and then; every time, I refrained from grabbing her hand and holding it.

We'd been there for hours and we'd already looked at everything once. I didn't know why she wanted to make a second round. She linked our arms and leaned her head on my shoulder. She yawned and looked at me. "Hey, I'm exhausted. Are you ready to leave?"

I nodded and yawned. "Yes. I've been tired since before we decided to look at everything the second time."

"Well, you could have said something."

"But your argument was very convincing. Some of the animals had been taking naps while we'd gone by and I wanted to see if they'd waken up, too." Her argument hadn't been that solid, but I didn't feel like telling her I'd agreed to the second walk through because I liked when our arms bumped together.

She lifted her head, leaving my shoulder and tank top strap a little damper than it had been before. "Sorry," she said, wiping her hand across my exposed skin. "Sweaty."

I shook my head. "It's cool. I'm sweating, too, so I didn't really notice."

As we headed to the car, she said, "So, do you want to get ice cream and then dinner?"

I laughed and unlocked the doors. "Ice cream first? Really?"

"Yeah, to cool down."

We got into the car and buckled up. "Please, Mitch?"

I rolled my eyes. "No need to convince me, I'm in."

She laughed and squeezed my hand resting on my lap. "Good."

I wished she would leave her hand, but she didn't. Slowly, she brought it back to her own lap, but the warmth that had spread through the back of my hand lingered. I bit my lip as I focused on pulling into traffic.

After I was on the road, I glanced at her. "Where should we get ice cream at?"

She brought her attention from the window to me. "Bonzo's. I like how small that place is."

I shuddered. "But there's a clown on the sign."

"Suck it up! They've got the best ice cream. And it's only a dollar per cone."

#

When we left the pasta place we'd decided on for dinner, she linked our arms again and rested her head on my shoulder. "What do you want to do now?" She yawned and glanced at her cell phone.

I reluctantly untangled our arms to unlock her door before going to the driver's side. "What time is it?" I asked as I turned out of the parking lot.

"Bed time." She looked out the window and I heard her sigh. "I guess you should take me home."

I frowned, but kept my eyes on the road. "Yeah, I guess."

We drove in silence, the radio filling the void. I pulled up in front of her house and she unbuckled and reached for the handle, but then paused. She looked at me and then at the floor. "Can I ask you something?"

I put the car into park and turned it off; I shifted in my seat to face her. "What's up?"

She bit her lip and I watched her throat contract as she swallowed. "Um….Why don't we have sleepovers anymore?" Her voice was shaky; I wondered if she was afraid of the answer.

I kept my eyes focused on her sneakers. The canvas was pulling away from the rubber side. I swallowed and blinked a few times. There was also a hole in the side of the canvas where I could see her bright pink sock. She was asking me point blank; I couldn't lie. But I couldn't tell her the truth either.

"Mitch?" Her voice was quiet, but I could still hear the nerves. "Are we okay? Did I do something?"

I brought my eyes to hers. "No! You haven't done anything. You—you're perfect. I'm just going through some stuff…I don't really know. We're great though. It's just better this way right now."

She chewed on her bottom lip, her brow furrowed, her eyes looked watery. I wanted to grab her face and tell her how I felt, tell we were okay, tell her don't worry; I looked away.

I grabbed her hand and gave it a small squeeze. "Best friends forever. I promise."

She gripped my hands tightly. "Mitch, whatever you're going through, whatever it is, I am here for you…You can talk to me about anything. I promise. I'm going to love you no matter what. You're my best friend." She threaded our fingers together. "Just please, don't …don't freeze me out. I'm here when you're ready."

I pulled her to me over the console. I hugged her as best as I could manage. "If I'm ever ready to talk, you're going to be the first, and probably the only, person I talk to about it. Don't worry, Alex. You're my best friend, too." I couldn't manage to add that I loved her, because I wasn't sure I could stand knowing we meant two different kinds of love anymore.

She held onto my shoulders, refusing to loosen herself. "Please stay with me tonight. Please."

I kissed her forehead and sighed. "Lex, I really…shouldn't. I really want to, but I shouldn't. I'm sorry. I'll see you first thing in the morning, how's that? I'll be the one to wake you up. Sound good?"

She nodded and tightened the hug again.

I held her until she let go and looked at me, still pleading. "Sweet dreams."

She sighed, reaching for the handle. "Good night, Mitchie. See you tomorrow."

She shut the door and I watched as she walked away. "Can't wait." I rested my head against the wheel; I felt like a dick.


	2. Caught

We Go Down Together

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Chapter 2: Caught

She laughed and I wrapped my arms around her waist as we sat on the couch in her living room. "You're the best," I whispered into her hair. I kissed her neck and she giggled again.

She relaxed into my body and I wanted to sit like this forever. "Let's elope." She twisted around and faced me. She kissed me gently. "Not right now, but some day. Right now, let's just enjoy this." She pushed me backward, slowly slipping her hand down my stomach, heading for my shorts.

I opened my eyes to a dark room and an empty bed. I groaned and rolled onto my back. I closed my eyes and slid my hand into my shorts. I thought of my ex-boyfriend, Tony, but I couldn't get into it. I sighed and gave into my thoughts of Alex. Once I finished, I wiped my hand on the sheets and rolled onto my side and looked at the picture of us on my nightstand.

I crawled out of bed and booted up my laptop. I started looking up photos of girls—nothing dirty, just magazine ads, trying to check out these women, trying to figure out if it was Alex, if it was any woman; I sighed. I wasn't feeling anything down there. I ran my hand through my hair and chewed the inside of my mouth. I looked at the photo of me and Alex next to my bed, my lower half ached; I yearned for her touch.

Plopping down on my bed, I put my head in my hands, resting my elbows against my knees. Maybe if it was just her, I could stop hanging around her. I thought of the last ten years, tearing away from her would be like ripping myself in two. I couldn't like girls; it wasn't who I was. How could I not know that about myself at the age of seventeen? It felt like something I would know before now.

Lying down and closing my eyes, I felt a decision slowly forming in the back of my mind, but my brain tingled with sleep and I couldn't yet put words to the idea.

The next morning I went to Alex's house with two ice cream sundaes in a bag. I let myself in with the key they'd given me two years ago and made my way up to her room. The door was shut, but I knew it wouldn't be locked.

Opening the door, I hid the bag behind my back. "Good morning, Alex! I hope you like—"

A moan stopped me and I stood in the doorway, mouth hanging open.

"Shit!" We spoke in unison and she pulled her hand out of her pants.

"Mitchie!" Her face paled and she sat up quickly.

"I'm sorry!" I backed out, closing the door with me.

I bit my lip and rested my head against the wall. Fuck me. Before all these stupid dreams, this wouldn't have completely turned me on and made me jealous all at once: I wondered who she'd been thinking of, instantly felt guilty for being such a perv—it was definitely none of my business, and tried to ignore the throbbing in my own underwear.

She opened the door; her cheeks were bright with embarrassment. "Uh," she said, rubbing her left arm with her right hand. She looked away and blinked. "Well, that was awkward." She laughed nervously and my own shaky laughter joined hers.

"Yeah." I held out the bag. "I brought ice cream sundaes. Dessert for breakfast."

She smiled and grabbed the bag from my hands. "Oh my god, you're a genius." She pulled me into her room and shut the door behind her. "And it even has plastic utensils, so my parents won't even know. Oh my god. You're fantastic."

I winked as I took the plastic spoon she handed me. Unwrapping it, I sat down in her desk chair. "So, what do you want to do today?"

She handed me a sundae. "Umm, I don't know! What do you want to do?" She took the top off hers and dug in.

I did the same and shrugged. "We could still lie in bed all day and watch those scary movies."

She hesitated slightly before agreeing. "Yeah," she said, scooping up a second spoonful. "We could do that…but, uh, my sheets are probably not the cleanest right now." She laughed as she put the bite in her mouth.

I smiled. "I don't care if you don't…I mean…it's not that big of a deal."

She gave a smile, and as she glanced at her stack of scary movies, I could tell she was mildly uncomfortable. "Well, what would you want to start with?"

I frowned. "Alex, what's wrong?"

She snapped her head up from the movies to me. "What do you mean?"

"You seem…uncomfortable." I searched her eyes, trying to figure out what was up.

"Well, yeah, Mitch, I kind of am, I mean, my best friend just caught me fooling around with myself. Talk about awkward!" She shook her head. "What's wrong with you?"

"Oh," I said, spinning my spoon in the ice cream, mixing the hot fudge into the vanilla. "I—I mean, you seem more uncomfortable than just that…but sorry for asking." I didn't understand why she sounded so pissed, but I decided not to push it. I spun my spoon around a little more, but the tension sat between us. "We've walked in on each other doing a lot of stuff. Some stuff even more embarrassing than that."

She bit her lip and shrugged. "I guess. But still, it's a little awkward right now."

I spooned a blob of ice cream into my mouth and averted my gaze to the movie stack. "What do you want to watch?"

She shrugged. "_Night of the Living Dead_ or maybe, _House of 1000 Corpses_?"

"Either one is fine." I watched as she got up from her bed and grabbed the movies. "Oh, wait, do you still have _Insidious _or is it at my house?"

She spun around to face me. "Let's watch that one! I've still got it."

We smiled and I finished my sundae and crawled onto her bed. Lying back on the pillows, I breathed in the smell of her shampoo; a lazy warmth spread through my limbs. I felt safe; I felt at home.

She pounced onto the bed, pinning me between her arms. She hovered over me, and I was afraid this was all one of my elaborate dreams. "Hey," she whispered. Her breath hit me and it smelled like ice cream and mouth wash.

I wanted to grab her hips, but I stayed still. I smiled up at her. "Hey."

She stayed above me, a weird glint in her eyes. As we stared at each other, I tried to ignore the ache growing between my legs. I cursed my teenage hormones.

I swallowed and tried to keep my breath from catching. Nervously giggling, I said, "Whatcha doing?"

She brought her face closer to mine; I thought she was going to kiss me. She bent her arms and nuzzled the gap between my neck and collar bone. She rolled off me and shrugged. "I just missed this."

"Oh." I wasn't sure what 'this' she was referring to, because there had never been 'that' before.

She slipped her fingers through mine. "I wish you would have stayed the night." She reached for the remote and hit play.

I squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry, Lex. I'm here now, can't that be enough? Please?"

She rolled her head onto my shoulder. I wondered if it would be inappropriate to turn this into cuddling. "I'll try to deal." It was mock annoyance instead of a true shade of upset and relief loosened my shoulders.

Four movies later, Alex's phone was ringing. She groaned as she looked at the screen. "It's Dean. I don't want to answer, but I want to do something else!"

Dean was a friend, but he was also annoying. He was always trying to get into Alex's pants, and Alex constantly said she wasn't interested.

I laughed and stretched, checking my own phone. It was already four-thirty. "Well, let's see if he's calling to tell you about a party or something."

She hit the answer button. "What's up, Dean?"

"Hey, Russo, what are you doing tonight?" He had a habit of always shouting. His volume options were limited: mumble, loud, too loud and shouting. He usually went with shouting first. She held the phone out from her ear a little bit to avoid him screaming in her ear.

She glanced at me, silently asking me if I knew what we were doing tonight. "Nothing that I know of. Mitchie and I are hanging out right now; we are kind of looking for plans for the night."

He was quiet for a minute. "Oh, well, if you want, there's a party at Melody's tonight. You could be my date."

She rolled her eyes. "Thanks, but I'm not interested in being your date, Dean, but Mitchie and I will see you there."

He sighed. "You're killin' me, Russo!" Laughing, he added, "But it's cool, I'll see you two around ten; that's when I'm heading there! Tell Mitch I say hi."

#

I leaned against Melody's kitchen counter, a full view of the living room available through the wide, almost non-existent doorway. Both of the couches had been moved to the sides of the room, allowing for maximum space for dancing. I sipped my rum and Coke out of a red, plastic cup as Alex danced up on Dean. So much for her not being his date.

I pushed off the counter and walked into the room where beer pong was being played. I stood to the side, watching as some kids I kind of recognized from school played a game. The left side was losing to the right.

"You look like you're having a good time."

I glanced up from the table and found a blonde girl with an eyebrow piercing, a smirk plastered on her lips where another piercing rested. Her eyeliner was thick and she sort of looked like a raccoon. I immediately felt bad for thinking that, and tried to find something else about her appearance that fascinated me; I was too stuck on her bright, green eyes. At least she seemed like a friendly raccoon.

I smiled, realizing I still hadn't spoken. "I'm Mitchie, who are you?"

She held her hand out for a handshake and I obliged. "Emerald."

I giggled. "What kind of name is that?"

She took a sip from her cup, never breaking eye contact. "A good one. Do you go to Tribeca?"

"Yeah. Do you? I don't recognize you." I scanned her outfit and her hair: ripped, tight jeans, a black KISS tank top with holes all over it, and heavy looking boots; her platinum blonde hair stuck out in several directions, but didn't go below her ears.

"I just moved here. It'll be my first year this autumn."

I took a gulp from my cup. "Oh, that's cool. Where did you move from?" I needed to get another drink.

"I'm from Ohio." She dug her hand into her pocket, pulling out her phone. "How old are you?"

I watched as she typed one-handedly. "I'm, uh, I'm seventeen. I'll be eighteen next month."

"Cool. I just turned eighteen, like a week ago. Hey, what's your number? I don't know a lot of people around here yet, so I'm trying to meet people." She laughed and held her phone up, ready to punch in my number.

After I gave her my number, we went upstairs to get another round of drinks. "So, what are you drinking?"

"Just the beer." She walked over to the keg and poured herself a cupful, while I grabbed the rum bottle and concocted a stronger drink than the first.

"MITCHIE!" Alex.

We both turned to look as she stumbled up to me.

"Hey," I said, as she fell on to me. I held her up and slipped her cup out of her grasp. "Wow, Alex, you seem pretty drunk. How much have you had to drink?"

She giggled and looked at me through half-lidded eyes. "Not too many, maybe three or four drinks. But me and Rachel did shots earlier. We did like five in a row." She expanded the word row into three syllables.

I laughed; I didn't know who Rachel was, but I was happy it wasn't Dean. "Maybe you should take a break from the drinks then."

She tried to straighten up and stand on her own. "But I came in here to-for," she hiccupped and shook her head before continuing. "More beer!"

Emerald raised an eyebrow and folded her arms across her chest. I couldn't tell if she was amused or annoyed as a small smile spread across her lips; her lip ring caught the light.

"Okay, well you do what you need to do then, but maybe this should be your last one." I slowly pulled her away from me and she kissed me on the cheek.

"Okay, but don't leave without me, okay? Promise?" She held her hand out, her pinky standing up.

I hooked my own through hers and kissed the other end of my hand. "Promise."

She hiccupped again and let go of me. "Good. I'm gonna go dance some more." She stumbled away without grabbing more beer.

I turned to Emerald. "Sorry about that." I grabbed my new rum and Coke off the counter and took a sip.

"It's cool. How long have you two been together?"

Goose bumps broke out across my body and a tingle went up my spine. "Oh, uh, she isn't my, uh, girlfriend…" I kept my eyes on my drink and wondered how she had guessed it. Did we act like a couple? I figured all best friends were like us.

"But you want her to be?"

I looked up and found her eyes locked on to me. She already knew the truth; there wasn't any reason to lie. And maybe, talking to a complete stranger would do me some good. I sighed and looked down. "I don't know what I want."

She stepped closer to me and brushed the hair out of my face, lifting my chin up. "What was that? I couldn't hear you."

Startled by her closeness and her boldness, I stood, frozen. "I—Um, I don't know what I want."

She dropped my face and stepped back; a flash of what I could only guess to be disappointment crossed her face before she cocked her head to the side and looked at me with softened features. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I blinked several times and nodded roughly. She grabbed my hand and led the way from the loud house party to the front porch. Once we stopped on porch, I pointed out to the curb and we walked out to the sidewalk.

"So," she said, plopping down on the concrete. "What's the deal? Are you gay? Bi? What?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. Lately, I've just been having all these really…in depth dreams about Alex—the girl from the kitchen—and we've been best friends since we were like six or seven and I just …I don't know. I've had boyfriends…but I don't know what this is. I don't…I've never kissed a girl, I've never considered girls like that before…I just…I don't know. I feel like this is something I would have known about before now, you know?"

She fished a pack of cigarettes out of her back pocket and offered me one. I shook my head and she pulled one out and lit it. She sucked on the end of it and then looked me in the eyes. "Been there, it sucks…I was younger, but it really does suck. At least you're realizing it now and not ten years from now when you're married with kids or some shit, right?"

I nodded. "You have a point, but…I don't know what to do. What if I tell her about this crush and then she doesn't want to be my friend anymore? Or what if she feels the same and then we do try dating and I decided I don't like girls after all?" I took a sip from my drink, softly biting on the lip of the cup.

"Well, if she's really your best friend, I'm sure she won't bail on you now, especially after ten years." A stream of smoke exited with her words.

I swallowed and nodded. She was right, but it didn't make me any less nervous about the idea of talking to Alex about it. "Do you like girls?"

"Yes, but I also like boys. Right now, I think I like girls more though." She inhaled another lungful of smoke and flicked ashes onto the sidewalk.

"Oh." I didn't know what else to say, but now the lonely 'oh' was hanging between us. I sighed. "I wish just talking to her wasn't so hard."

She blew smoke out of her mouth again as she snubbed the cigarette out on the curb. "Hey, come here." She took a swig of her beer and scooted a little closer to me.

As she wrapped her arms around me, something inside of me snapped. "I—I don't want to be gay." Tears streamed down my cheeks and my shoulders shook. "I don't want to ruin my friendship with her…I think even talking to her about it would kill it…not because she wouldn't accept me, but because what if she wouldn't want to be with me?" Deep sobs escaped my body as Emerald held me, stroking my hair.


	3. Experiments

We Go Down Together

Disclaimer: I own nothing…except Emerald, I guess.

Thanks for the reviews! I appreciate them.

Chapter 3: Experiments

I woke up in an unfamiliar bedroom and closed my eyes again. A rustling came from the other side of the bed and I shifted to see her. Messy, platinum blonde hair appeared from under a pillow along with a groan as she stretched her limbs.

I cleared my throat and raised my arms above my head, feeling the muscles tug on each other. "Hey."

"How you feeling this morning?" She propped herself up on her elbows and slowly pushed herself into a sitting position.

"I've got a headache and my eyes hurt." I laughed and popped my neck and fingers.

She grabbed a bottle of aspirin from her desk and tossed it onto the end of the bed. I sat up and reached for it as she walked out of the room. "I'll be right back with a cup of water."

I got two pills out of the bottle and then dropped it back onto the navy blue sheets. Looking around her room, I found my shoes lying near the door and all kinds of clothing scattered across her floor. A few posters hung on the walls, but mostly she had paintings that I assumed she may have done herself.

"Here you go," she said, appearing in the doorway. She walked towards me and handed the cup to me, dropping onto the edge of the bed. "Sorry my room's such a mess, I wasn't expecting company anytime soon." She laughed. "It's kind of funny how easy it is to make friends."

I downed the pills and finished off the rest of the water. "Thanks for letting me stay here last night." After my sobfest on the curb, she'd suggested that we leave. I didn't want Alex to see me all wrecked anyway, because I'm sure she'd be determined to get answers out of me, so I didn't have a problem with Emerald's suggestion.

She shrugged. "No problem. You're the first person who seems cool around here, really."

I rolled my eyes. "Well, the popular kids at school would disagree with you, that's for sure."

She shook her head, smiling. "Fuck them."

My phone vibrated and I groaned. I pulled it out of my pocket and looked at the screen. Alex. "Shit."

Emerald frowned and held her hand out. I showed her the phone. "Want me to take the call?"

I bit my lip and nodded. "Tell her I'm sleeping."

She answered the call and I rolled away, not wanting to watch. "Hi, I'm Emerald. Mitchie's sleeping right now. But do you want me to wake her?"

Silence as Alex replied.

"Okay, well, I'm shaking her, but she doesn't seem to be budging. Do you want me to just tell her you called?"

Another pause.

"Okay, sorry! I'll tell her as soon as she wakes up." After goodbyes, she hung up and dropped the phone on top of my blanket-covered legs. "Alex says you need to call as soon as you wake up and that it's important."

I sighed and sat up. "So, is Emerald your real name?"

"Nah," she said as she stood up and grabbed a different pair of black, tight jeans off the ground. "My real name is Christina, but nobody's called me that in such a long time. Well, other than my parents." She kicked the tiny shorts she'd slept in off and slid the jeans up her legs. "What's Mitchie short for?"

"Michelle." I got up, grabbed my shoes and shoved my feet into them.

"Cool. So…" She stared at me, squinting her eyes a little. "I know you have a thing for Alex, but you're clearly not ready to deal with that…are you not ready to deal with being gay or are you specifically not ready to deal with your crush on Alex? Because if you're available, would you, maybe, want to go on a date some time?"

My mouth fell open and I stared at her at a loss for words. "Oh, wow, uh, I don't know."

"I know it's probably weird, since we just met and everything, but I figure, there's no harm in asking, right? If you're not into me like that, I understand. I'd still like to just be friends. Whatever you're comfortable with."

I cocked my head to the side as she stopped. She tugged at her tank top, and looked away. She looked…cute, despite her thick, smeared eye make-up. She still looked like a raccoon, but she was a fucking adorable raccoon. "Sure. We could go on a date."

She grinned. "Cool. Well, I'll walk you out since you look like you're trying to leave with your shoes on and stuff."

I laughed. "Sorry. I just feel kind of gross wearing the same clothes as I did last night."

She nodded and led the way down to her front door. "Fair enough."

"Well." I stood awkwardly on the ledge of her front door. "I'll see you soon?"

"Yeah, text me later…we could hang out." She grabbed my wrist as I started to step out the door. "Hey, are you sure you're okay with the date? I wasn't trying to corner you or anything. I want to be friends first."

I nodded. "Yeah, no, it's not a big deal. I want to try this…as long as you realize I really don't know what I want." There wasn't harm in trying to figure my feelings out with her, maybe we'd go on this date and I'd realize these dreams about Alex were just some fucked up stress outlet.

She winked. "Okay, but seriously, if you change your mind, just say so."

#

I rang Alex's doorbell and paced in front of her door, waiting for the wrath to roll out.

The door groaned as it opened and I turned to look at Alex. "Mitchie." She sounded surprised.

"Hey. Sorry about last night, I just…I ran into this new girl and I was tired and drunk and ready to leave and so, we left…I'm sorry for leaving you there."

"Mitch," she said, pulling me into the house. "We need to have a really serious talk."

I swallowed and tried to keep my cool. "Okay." I shut the door to her bedroom and sat down at her desk. "What's up?"

She looked like she was ready to cry. She stood in front of me with watery eyes, without speaking.

"Alex, what's wrong?" I reached out and laced our fingers together on both hands, pulling her to me. Easing her into my lap, I wrapped my arms around her. "Talk to me, it's okay."

She buried her face in my shoulder. "Ihadsexwithdean."

I knew what she'd said. "Oh? Are you okay?"

"No! I don't know what to do. I don't want to date him, but I think he thinks we're dating now…but I don't want to." She wound her arms around my neck and sighed.

I swallowed and tried not to be upset that she'd lost her virginity to him instead of me. "Can I ask why you don't want to be with him?"

She lifted her head and looked at a spot behind me. "I don't know. He's just…he's not who I want to date."

I bit my lip and nodded. "Oh, I see."

She sighed and dipped her head back down, resting her head against mine. "I don't think you do, but thanks."

Frowning, I pulled away from her a little. "What does that mean?"

She shook her head and stood up. "Don't worry about it. So, what are you doing here?"

I felt the color leaving my face. "Oh. I—uh, I just thought…Emerald said you'd called and said it was important, so I figured I'd just come over, instead of just calling you back."

"Oh," she said. "That reminds me, who the hell is Emerald and what kind of name is that?"

I giggled, watching as she gently dropped the Slinky her younger brother Max had given her from hand to hand. "Emerald just moved here from Ohio. She's going to be in a senior with us at school. Emerald is some kind of nickname, her real name is Christina."

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. "What a freak."

"She's not a freak…she's really cool." I bit my lip and took a deep breath. "In fact, I…I have plans to hang out with her later."

"Cool, I guess. But Emerald is such a weird name, though!"

I shook my head. "Don't be mean. She was really helpful last night."

"Helpful?" She looked up, pausing with the Slinky.

I froze for a second. "Yeah. She helped me…find the rum at one point. And then she let me stay at her house since I couldn't drive."

"Oh, cool." She resumed the back and forth with the Slinky.

She dropped the Slinky onto the floor and sat up on her bed. "Mitch?"

"Alex?" My phone vibrated and I glanced at it: Emerald.

"Are we okay?"

I looked up and smiled. "Yeah. Of course. Why do you ask?"

She shrugged and looked down. "We didn't leave together last night…I just feel, like, I don't know, something's going on and you're not telling me and it's killing me."

We'd already gone over this. "Just leave it, Lex. I'll talk to you about it when I'm ready, okay?"

She sighed and threw her hands up. "Fine."

"I should go." I stood and let myself out.

Three hours later, Emerald and I were walking in the park. She'd taken my hand in hers and I hadn't objected. Her hand felt nice: soft and warm, like I imagined Alex's might.

Knocking our hands against my side gently, she smiled. "So, what do you want to do on our date?"

"I don't know. Dinner and a movie? Movie and a dinner?"

She led us to a patch of grass in the shade of a big tree and we sank down onto the ground. "How about laser tag, mini-golf and then dinner? Then maybe a sleepover?"

"Sure. I haven't done those things since grade school! Well, I've eaten dinner since then, but I meant the other two. It sounds like a lot of fun." I played with her fingers. Her nail polish was chipping.

"Sweet. So, the next question is: when do you want to have this date?" She leaned back against the trunk of the tree and crossed her legs. "Tomorrow? Next week?"

I shrugged and leaned back next to her, our shoulders touching. "How about Tuesday night? I get off at eight."

"Awesome. I can pick you up from work if you want."

I tried to remember if Alex worked that day, but couldn't remember. Deciding it wasn't important if she was there when Emerald showed up to get me, I said, "If you want. I work at the record store, Webbed. Do you know where that is yet or not?"

"Yeah, it's the only place I've actually tried to remember." She laughed and fished her pack of cigarettes out of her back pocket.

I scrunched up my nose and shifted away from her slightly, trying not to be a jerk about the fact that cigarette smoke wasn't my favorite.

She blew a stream of smoke from her lips. "Do you have a problem with smoking?"

I shrugged and tried to stay noncommittal about it.

She took another deep hit from it and then smashed it in the grass. "I'll quit if you want."

Unsure of how to respond, I stayed quiet.

"Hey, seriously, would that make you happier?" Her brow was furrowed as she stared at me. "Watch." She stood and walked across the grass to a trashcan on the paved path. She tossed her lighter and her pack of cigarettes into it and walked back. She kissed my forehead and smiled as she sat in front of me. "Do you have any gum?"

I laughed and shook my head. "Sorry."

"No big." She took my hand again in both of hers. I watched her lip ring wiggle as she ran her tongue over it from the inside of her mouth. "Can I ask you something?"

"What is it?" I moved my eyes from her lips to our hands and felt my mouth going dry.

"You can say no if you want, so no pressure…but um, could I kiss you?" She looked up and blinked as our eyes met.

My eyes widened, staring at her. "O-okay." I hoped she didn't hear the nerves in my voice.

She leaned in and placed her lips on mine, lightly.

I freed my hand from hers and immediately tangled all ten of my fingers in her short hair. I pressed my lips to hers harder, not wanting her to stop. She opened her mouth a little and I matched her pace. Her fingers worked their way through my dark hair and she gently held on to a couple handfuls.

I pulled away, panting. The ache that I thought I only got from my Alex-related dreams had made an appearance. I tried to regain control of my eyes, but they were stuck on staring, large as vinyl records.

The way her laugh wavered, I could tell she was nervous. She licked her lips and touched her index finger to her lip ring, a small smile forming. "Sorry."

I shook my head. "No. I—I liked that. A lot." I touched my tingling lips and held her gaze, a small laugh escaped.

"Cool," she said, looking down at her lap. "Cool." She bobbed her head up and down slightly.

"I should probably go eat dinner with my family, though. Thursday nights are family dinner nights, even though it's summer." I rolled my eyes and stood up.

She stood and dusted off her backside. "That's cool."

I swiped at the back of my jeans, deciding that was good enough. I doubted any grass was there anyway. "You can eat with us if you want."

She held her hand up over her eyes to shield them from the setting sun. "As your friend or your girlfriend?"

I shoved her playfully. "Come on! I've barely told you that I'm not straight, do you really think I've told my family?"

She laughed and grabbed my hand. "I know. I haven't really told my parents either, honestly. I just haven't dated anyone since I was 'allowed to date'." She rolled her eyes and I raised an eyebrow at her air quotes around the last part of her sentence.

"What does that even mean?"

"I wasn't allowed to start dating until I was sixteen. But I'd played Spin the Bottle a lot when I was thirteen or so; I kissed several girls and several boys that way. And I had 'dated' a few people when I was fourteen and fifteen, but by dated, I mean, we went to the movies together and then walked across the street and hung out in the parking lot of a gas station until our parents came to pick us up." She laughed and rolled her eyes again. "God, I probably sound like a dork."

Grinning, I shook my head. "Being a dork isn't a bad thing."

"Well, glad you like it, because under this hardcore exterior, I'm ridiculously not hardcore."

I tilted my head to the side. "Why do you dress like that then?"

She shrugged. "I like it; it keeps away the people I don't want to talk to. I'd rather be unapproachable, because that way the people who have the balls to approach may actually be worth my time."

#

"Hey, M., get up. We're going to be late."

I groaned and shifted from my stomach to my back, untangling my legs from the blankets and sheets along the way.

Emerald sat on the end of my bed, working her foot into her boot. "We're going to miss the previews."

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I crawled out of the bed and grabbed a change of clothes before heading to the bathroom. I glanced at my phone before setting it down on the counter: two messages from Alex.

I hadn't heard from her in a few weeks, so I was surprised to see her name on my phone. I immediately read what she had to say. The first read, "I miss you. I'm sorry I haven't talked to you lately." The second said, "Mitchie, can we please hang out tomorrow?"

I bit my lip and glanced over my shoulder. I had been spending a lot of time with Emerald, but Alex really hadn't talked to me since our last conversation in her bedroom. I sighed and ran my hand through my head.

I walked out of the bathroom in the outfit for today and flopped down on the bed. "Do we have to go to the early show?" I shoved my phone back into my pocket.

"Yes, movies before noon are cheaper." She pulled me up by the hand and wrapped her arm around my waist. "Come on, I'm paying, all you have to do is show up."

I laughed and leaned my head on her shoulder. "Okay, but after the movie, I think I'm going to meet up with Alex. She messaged me last night and it made me realize I really haven't seen her in a while."

She gave my body a gentle squeeze and kissed the side of my head. "That's cool. I'll probably meet up with my mom and see if she needs help shopping."

After the movie, I walked to Alex's and found her using sidewalk chalk with Max. I snuck up behind her and pounced on her. She lost the balance she was keeping on the balls of her feet and fell forward with a small scream. She dropped the nub of blue chalk she'd been using and turned to face me.

"Mitchie!"

I helped her up as I said, "Sorry. I didn't realize you would fall. What are you doing?"

"Max wanted me to help him write chalk advertisements for the sub shop. What are you doing here?"

I shoved my hands in my pockets as she brushed herself off. "I got your messages. I'm sorry I haven't been around a lot lately. I've just…been busy." I closed my eyes, hearing how lame that sounded.

She rolled her eyes and led the way out of Max's earshot. "Busy with your new friend, Emerald?" She folded her arms over her chest and looked away.

I frowned and shook my head. "Hey, you don't have to be hateful about it. I can have more than one friend. She's…helping me." I bit my lip and tried to decide how to tell her what the problem was.

She threw her hands up. "Helping you with what? Why can't I help you?"

I stepped back as she got in my face. Looking around, I noticed a few people giving us second glances. "Alex, can we not do this here…in the middle of a crowd."

"Where would you like to do this? In my room or yours—but only if it's daytime."

I sighed and hung my head. "Stop."

"Why don't you stop shutting me out? Maybe then I wouldn't feel the need to get upset when you start hanging around some other girl and share all your secrets with her." Her eyes looked red-rimmed and I started to notice how tired she looked.

"Alex, have you been…crying?" As soon as the question was out of my mouth, I clamped my hands over my mouth.

She let out an exasperated rush of air and looked upward. "What would you do if your best friend stopped talking to you for no reason, Mitch?" She looked me in the eye and I just stared back, waiting for her to say something else. She didn't.

I slowly lowered my hands and swallowed the lump in my throat. "It's not what you think. I promise. I'm not…replacing you, or shutting you out, or leaving you out on purpose." My voice was barely above a whisper, and I wished we weren't on a crowded sidewalk. I grabbed her hands and squeezed.

"Then what, Mitchie? What on earth is it?" Her voice was still loud, but she hadn't thrown my hands off hers.

I blinked rapidly and let go of her hands. "I—I can't." I turned to walk away and hoped she wouldn't come after me.

She didn't shout or try to stop me.

I walked down the sidewalk, wiping the tears away. Standing in front of her was harder than I thought it would be. Her lips still called my name, and I felt guilty. I turned into a coffee shop and sat down on a couch in there.

I bit down on my thumb nail, watching the people stand in line for coffee, sit at tables, or typing away on laptops. I pulled out my phone and called Emerald.

She answered after the second ring. "Hey! I thought you were hanging with Alex. What's up? Did it go okay?"

"I'll explain when I see you. Could you meet me at The Pour House, please? Or wait, did you go to the store, do you want me to meet you there?" I picked at the sofa cushion and kept my head bowed.

"No, no, it's cool! I'll head over there right now."

We hung up and I sat there, unsure of what I wanted to say to her. Did I want to break up? Did I want to just be friends? Was I going to tell her about what happened at Alex's? I wasn't sure what I was going to do.

"Hey."

I looked up and found a disheveled, out-of-breath Emerald standing over me. I raised an eyebrow, silently asking what that was about.

"Sorry," she said, sitting across from me on the other couch. "I ran here from my house."

"What happened to going with your mom?"

Her panting turned into a yawn. "She decided not to go today. So, what's up? Are you okay?"

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my heart rate. "I—I don't know. I feel really…bad."

She frowned and reached out for my hand over the small table sitting between us. "Hey, babe, what's wrong? You can tell me anything, you know that, right?"

I nodded and licked my lips. "Well, that's the problem. I don't even know what I'm trying to tell you right now. I went to Alex's and she was really upset that we haven't hung out and she seemed really upset and I think she'd been crying and I—I don't know. I wanted to comfort her, kiss her, tell her everything would be okay, and then I felt bad because I'm dating you. And I don't—I don't know. I left after she yelled at me for asking if she'd been crying." I tried to catch my breath, realizing I'd spoken without taking any.

Emerald squeezed my hand and looked at me with a small, sad smile. "Hey, it's okay. I mean, I get it…the first night I met you, you were hung up on her. I was wrong to think that maybe I could get you over that, but you can't blame me for trying. You're really cute and intelligent. That's hard to find." She laughed, giving me a wink. "We can just be friends if you need and want that."

I frowned and gripped her hand. "But I like kissing you, too…I just…I don't know…Maybe I should just stay away from Alex."

"I don't want you to feel like you need to stop being friends with Alex to date me. If you have to shut others out for a relationship to work, then it's not really working." Her foot jiggled up and down. "I dated a guy once and we both lost all of our friends while dating each other…he's part of the reason why I moved with my parents. They gave me the option to stay with my grandparents since it would be my senior year." She slowly let go of my hand.

I stared at her, my eyebrows elevated. "Oh. Wow."

She laughed and rubbed her hands over her knees. "Yeah, I don't want to ever do that to anyone or have anyone do that to me ever again." Her right foot was still shaking her leg. "So, we can just be friends, it'll be okay. And you can bring all your Alex issues to me, no pressure to leave it somewhere else, okay?"

I nodded, relieved that she understood what I needed better than I did. I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees and putting my head in my hands. "Thank you, Em."

She ruffled my hair and then straightened the mess. "No problem, M." I listened to her get up and watched her feet as she walked around the small table and sat down next to me. "But now that you've dated a girl, I think you need to tell Alex. Maybe not about your crush on her, but she needs to know this part of you." She draped her arm around my shoulders. "You know what I mean, jelly bean?"

I laughed and nodded, wiping my eyes. I hadn't realized, but I'd been crying. I lifted my head and looked at her. She was wearing less eye make-up today and her hair had turquoise patches in it now. "Hey, you dyed your hair."

She gave me a sheepish smile. "Yeah, that's what I decided to do since my mom didn't want to go to the store." She ran her fingers through it. "Do you like it? Does it look okay?"

I nodded and reached up to run my fingers through it. "It looks really great."


	4. Squeezed

We Go Down Together

Disclaimer: I own nothing, other than Emerald.

Again, thanks for the reviews.

Chapter 4: Squeezed

The last two weeks of summer break were upon us. I rolled over in my bed and pulled my phone out from under the pillow. I looked at the time and saw three messages from Alex. I groaned; I was still trying to get over the frisky feeling I'd woken up with because of my latest dream about her.

The first one read, "I'm sorry about the other day"; the second, "Please call me when you wake up." The third pained me: "Sorry for all these late night messages. I just can't sleep. I miss you."

I resisted the urge to rub one out and rolled out of bed. I stared at my messed up hair while I brushed my teeth. My phone vibrated as I spat into the sink and I glanced at it.

Alex was calling.

I hit the talk button as quickly as I could. "Hey, Alex, what's up?"

"Are you mad at me, Mitch? Can we please hang out tonight?" Her voice was rushed and nervous.

My gut reaction was to say yes, but then I heard the last word: 'tonight'. I glanced at my reflection and chewed on my lips.

"Please? Will you please stay with me tonight?" A whispered pleading. I could imagine her puppy dog eyes, looking broken and vulnerable.

I closed my eyes and forced the words out of my mouth. "Sure, Lex. Are you okay?"

"Thank you."

I needed to find a reason to sleep on the ground. Maybe we could fall asleep on her L-shaped sofa downstairs. "I'll see you tonight?"

"Yes. Do you want to come over around five? My parents are making tacos." Excitement had replaced her broken tone.

I applied a little eyeliner and checked my reflection in the mirror. "Okay, yeah. I'll, uh, I'll let Em know I have to cut out a little earlier than expected."

She was quiet for a minute. "Oh, you're hanging out with her today?"

I frowned, realizing there was tension hanging on the phone line. "Yeah, does that change something?"

"No, I…I didn't know you still hung out with her." I still hadn't told her that we'd dated, that I liked girls. I wondered why she worded it like that. I wondered if she knew.

I swallowed, trying to not to sound nervous. "Yeah, why wouldn't I?"

"Oh, I just…I didn't know…I wondered who you'd been spending time with lately, but I guess that would make sense…" She trailed off, and I couldn't decide if she was upset or not.

I sighed. "Well, I need to take a shower, so I'll see you tonight, right?" I felt a little guilty with my white lies, but I just wanted to end this conversation.

"Okay. See you at five." She was so quiet that I was afraid I'd hurt her feelings.

"See you. Hey, Lex?" I twisted my hand around the small towel next to the sink.

"Yeah?"

I licked my lips and stared at the towel, squeezing it in my hand.

"Mitch?"

"Yeah, sorry…I…" My eyes stung with tears. Since when did I cry out of fear? "I can't wait to see you."

"I can't wait, either." I let go of the towel as she spoke, slowly unwinding it. Her voice was so happy all of a sudden. "It's going to be a lot of fun."

"Yeah," I said. "I'll see you then." I hung up before I could give myself another chance to create a build up and then chicken out. I flopped down on my bed, tossing my phone into the tangled blankets and sheets.

Staring at the ceiling, I wondered why I'd lied about having plans with Emerald all day, why I'd lied about trying to take a shower, why I'd chickened out from telling her how I felt, or at least that I wasn't sure I really liked boys too much. I closed my eyes and woke to a buzzing noise. I dug around in my blankets for my cell phone and glanced at the time as I hit the talk button. It was only ten in the morning.

"Hey, so what are you doing today?"

I yawned and rubbed my eyes. "Hey, Em, why are you up so early?" I pulled my hand away from my face to see a little black smudge. I'd forgotten about the eyeliner. Damn.

"Do you want to go a party tonight? I went to the drug store to buy cigarettes and some guys handed me a flyer for a rock show; it mentions an after party. We could hit the after party, since I think it's probably too late to get tickets to the show…but we could try the show, too!"

"I can't. I'm supposed to stay with Alex."

"Oh, wow, you're going to stay the night with her?" There was a little rustling on her end of the call. I assumed she was searching through hangers.

"Yeah, I'm not sure it's the best idea, but maybe I'll get the courage to tell her tonight."

The noise from the hangers stopped. "Wait, you still haven't told her?"

I pushed myself up off the bed and shoved my feet into my shoes. "Yeah, I still haven't gotten up the nerve. I almost did on the phone earlier, but I chickened out. But I did lie about needing to take a shower and hanging out with you all day."

"Well, come over to my house and take a shower and then you won't be lying about anything. I'm looking through my closet right now, but I'm sure I could use the help finding an outfit for tonight."

#

"What about this one?" Emerald spun around. "I like the shirt, but I'm not sure about these shorts." She spread her fingers over the backside of her super short white jean shorts.

I looked at the oversized, neon orange tank top and the white shorts. "It just doesn't seem as you as it should." I felt a vibration near my knee and glanced at my phone. Alex. I groaned and picked it up.

She'd been sending me all kinds of cutesy messages all day. Before my dreams had started during the last school year, we'd send flirty texts and say inappropriate things to each other all the time, but ever since I was afraid that my flirting had become real instead of pretend, I'd stopped that; in turn, so had she.

"Emerald," I whined as held up the phone for her to read the message.

"Tell her you can't wait to hang out, I don't know." Emerald walked back into her bathroom, taking a different pair of pants with her.

I replied the best I could and set my phone back down next to my leg. My eyes roamed over Emerald's posters and paintings and I picked at the hole in her black and white comforter.

She walked back into the room, modeling an AC/DC tank top and tight jeans.

I looked up and smiled. "Much better."

She looked at herself in the full length mirror on her closet door and I saw her lip ring wiggle as she ran her tongue over it from the inside. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," I said. "Definitely." My phone vibrated again and I ignored it, but Emerald didn't.

She picked it up and read it. She frowned and looked at me. "Mitch," she said kneeling down in front of me on the bed. She took my hands in hers. "I'm dead serious when I say this, okay?"

"Okay."

"If you plan on staying the night with her, you need to tell her. If you don't, she might feel violated later. How would you feel if this was reversed? What if you cuddle in the middle of the night and she feels like you were totally out of line later when she finds out about everything?"

"Finds out?"

The way she stared at me was so commanding, I felt guilty for wanting to look away. "Yeah, when you tell her. I'm sure she's going to think about everything the two of you have done in the last six months and get completely confused about the entire friendship and the nature of it. Don't put her through that."

I blinked; her eyes held a glint I didn't recognize.

"If you don't tell her by the time school starts," she said, gently grabbing my shoulders. "I will."

"Emerald!" I pushed her away. "What the hell? Why?"

She wrapped her arms around me, despite the fact that I struggled. "Stop. Just listen."

I wiggled a few more times, but her grip felt like it was getting tighter with each new movement I made. Finally, I went limp, but her grip stayed as strong as ever.

"Calm down and think about what I'm saying. Would you want to be in her shoes? Can you see this situation from her point of view at all?"

If Alex stopped having sleepovers with me, shut me out and started hanging out with some other girl, I'd be completely depressed. I slowly nodded.

"Now let's say she did everything you've done and then finally, you convinced her to stay the night with you. Would it maybe change anything if after you shared a bed with her, you found out she'd dated another girl, without ever telling you? Would you be confused about what sharing that bed meant, what the friendship was and wasn't?"

I didn't want to hear this anymore. She was wrong. I'd still love her, no matter what. I would understand.

"Mitchie. Just think about it. Especially if she cuddled you tonight, or moaned out your name in the middle of one of those dreams, or she told you 'hey, I'm gay, I dated a girl without telling you, and I've got a crush on you.' Would that mess with your head?"

If I was honest, I'd be really confused. "I'd probably be upset."

"Then you need to tell her."

"But you don't."

"No, you're right. I don't need to, because you're going to go to her house and tell her tonight. Before dinner or after dinner, but not before you go to sleep. You need to understand she might ask you to leave and you shouldn't make her feel obligated to let you stay if she doesn't want you to. Do you understand?"

I sighed. "Can't I just tell her I don't feel good and not go at all?"

"No." Emerald released me from her boa constrictor grip and pulled me away from her just enough to look into my eyes. "You have to do this sooner or later. And there's no time like the present. Plus, after all these messages, I'm positive she misses hanging out with you and is probably as miserable as you are right now."

#

"Oof," I said, as Alex greeted me with a huge hug, knocking the air out of me.

"I'm so happy to see you. I've missed you." She pulled me into her house, sliding my bag from my shoulders. "Do you want to go up to my room for a little bit?"

She grabbed my wrist and pulled me upstairs before I could agree.

Once we were in her room, she pulled me down onto the bed and pushed me back. "Are you really staying the night?" She grinned and glanced at my bag which she'd set next to the door, before falling onto the bed next to me.

I nodded and tried not to let my voice falter as she draped her arm across my collar bone. "Yeah, I really am." I pulled her arm away from me as her fingers accidentally grazed my breast. My breath caught and I tried to stop the warmth spreading from her touch. I sat up and looked at her.

She gave me a look that clearly asked what was up, but I averted my eyes and stood up.

"Alex." My voice got higher on the "–ex" and she giggled. I took a deep breath and looked down on her. "I need to tell you something and I'm just going to say it and I'm sorry if you don't want to hear it. I've been keeping things from you for a few weeks—well actually, months—and I feel awful about it and I just don't even know what to do. I'm really sorry and I hope you don't hate me for keeping secrets, but I just …I can't hold it anymore and I think you deserve to know before you share a bed with me. I think—know—I like girls, and I dated Emerald for like two or three weeks and then we had a really long talk and now we're just friends because," I froze. What did I say? Because I liked someone else, because I liked her, because what? "It just wasn't working out."

I stood breathing hard, trying to make up for speaking so quickly and without stopping.

She just stared at me, shock and hurt were the two most dominating expressions. She let her eyes slowly move from my face to the ceiling behind me; I watched her chest slowly rise and fall. Her eyelids slid shut and I could see her eyeballs moving underneath the thin layer of skin.

She stayed quiet, and for the most part unmoving. Her nostrils flared and her eyes ran back and forth under the skin, her fingers drummed her thigh.

My breathing had finally returned to a somewhat normal pace, but my heart was still pounding. My ears held whooshing noises and I opened my mouth really wide, trying to pop them in vain.

The silence hung between us for another minute before I couldn't take it anymore. "Say something. Please." It was a whisper, but it felt like I had yelled.

She opened her eyes and stared at me. "You dated a girl, Mitchie. Without even mentioning it to me…what do you want me to say?"

I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I closed it and shrugged lamely, looking at my shoes.

"What did you do with her?"

I frowned and looked up. "What did I do with her? What do you mean? We went on dates, kissed, stayed up all night talking…just like any boyfriend and girlfriend would."

She chewed on her lip for a while, staring at me, squinting into my eyes. "You didn't have sex with her?"

I shook my head. "No." I didn't understand why that mattered, of all things.

She was quiet for a while and I was afraid she was going to start yelling again if I spoke, so I waited. "Why did you break up?"

I shook my head. "I'd rather not say."

"Mitchie. Look at me."

I brought my eyes to hers.

"Why did you break up?" She propped herself up with her elbows.

I inhaled deeply; I guess, honesty was the only real option at this point. "Because I like someone else."

Her eyes bore into mine and I felt like she was trying to read my mind. "Who?"

My heart was in my throat, choking me. My body shook as I stood, in a stare down with her. "You." Pricks of light appeared in front of my eyes and I was sure I'd pass out at any minute.

She released me from the staring contest as she looked away. She patted the spot on the bed next to her. Shaking, I tried to convince my limbs to cooperate.

My knees buckled and I fell onto the bed. Our eyes locked and we both giggled, the tension dissipated almost entirely.

"You okay?" She pulled herself farther up the bed.

I nodded, turning to face her. I tucked my legs under me and sat with my legs in a pretzel.

"So," she said, drawing out the 'o'. "Do you want to talk about that crush, or what?"

I twisted and untwisted my index finger around my shoelace. "If you don't want me to sleep here anymore, I'd understand."

She shifted on the bed and looked around, not looking at me. She gave me a sideways glance. I saw her nervousness before she spoke. "I think this is a lot to process, and I'm really sorry, and I still want to be friends, but I just need some time to adjust to that…I'm sorry. I don't hate; I really do still love you…I just," she bit her lip and looked at me with pleading eyes. "I'm sorry. I don't know how to—"

I put a hand up, stopping her. "I get it." As I grabbed my bag, I added, "This is why I stopped our sleepovers in the first place." My hand was on the door knob, twisting it.

"Mitchie," she said. "Don't hate me, please."

I spun around, letting go of the door knob. "The last thing I do is hate you." I laughed. If she only knew about all my fucking dreams. "I don't think I could ever hate you, Lex. Ever."

I let myself out of her house and called Emerald until she picked up. As soon as she said hello, I started crying instead of talking.

Fifteen minutes later, I was calmed down after the walk to Emerald's. I sat on her bed, picking at a loose threat on my jeans.

"So." She sat next to me and pulled me into her chest. "I take it you told her." She stroked my hair. "You can stay here tonight. We can do whatever you were going to do with her." She pulled me away from her and smiled. "Sound like a plan?"

I shrugged.

Frowning, she pressed her forehead to mine. "Cheer up, buttercup. We'll find something fun to do instead if you want."

I pushed her away. "I just want to talk to her." I folded my arms and stared at the wall behind her. "Sorry. Maybe I should just go home…I thought I didn't want to be alone, but I think maybe I do."

She nodded and stood, holding her hand out to pull me up. "At least, let me walk you there?"

I slipped the backpack on and sighed. "Sure…thanks."

She smiled, turning to get the door to her room. "And if you want to turn around and head back here, you're always welcome."

Walking down the sidewalk, she yammered on different things, trying to take my mind off Alex, but it wasn't working. Both of us could tell, but she tried until we were at my front door.

I plopped down onto my bed and stared at the photo of Alex and me. Why couldn't it be as simple as it used to be?

My phone vibrated and Alex's name caused my heart to do a flip. "Is all of this what Emerald's been helping you with?"

I bit my lip, remembering I had told her she was probably the first and only person I'd talk to about it once I was ready to talk. Shit. I took a breath, trying to steady my shaking body; any answer I gave I was sure she'd be upset with.

I decided I'd just call her. I didn't want to do this through text messages, this was Alex. It wasn't anyone else. It wasn't Harper or Emerald or Tony. This was Alex and she at least owed me a phone call to discuss something this heavy, this important.

It rang three times before she answered; I was afraid she'd just let it go to voicemail. "Alex, before you speak, let me talk. I got your message. Yes, this is what Emerald's been helping me with. While you were dancing on Dean back at Melody's party that one night, I wandered around and I ran into her in the beer pong room. We went to the kitchen for another round of drinks and ran into you in there. Once you walked away, she asked me how long we'd been dating, and I had to say you weren't my girlfriend and then she asked me if I wanted you to be, and I finally decided to be truthful about it to someone. I figured talking to someone who didn't know me, who had a completely outside view, would be better than going to any of our mutual friends about it or anyone who knew me or you and would spread it around the entire school." I paused, trying to catch my breath.

She took the opportunity to speak. "You didn't have to date her, Mitchie. What was that?"

I closed my eyes. "She asked me out on a date, so I went. I wanted to know if I was…gay. Or if it was just you." I opened my eyes, scrunching up my nose. "Maybe I used her a little bit. I don't know. God, Alex, I don't know. I was trying to prove to myself that I didn't like girls, that I didn't like you like that. That those fucking dreams were just—" My breath caught.

"What dreams?"

My muscles were no longer mine to control. My whole body shook as I lay on my bed; my heart was pumping so fast that I couldn't hear myself think.

"Mitchie, what dreams are you talking about?"

I sat up and pulled the blanket over me. "Um, for like the last four months, I've been dreaming about kissing you, about dating you, about being with you."

It was silent for a long time as those words hung between us. Hearing her breath kept me from hanging up. "So, you were dating her to get over me or because you pretended she was me?"

I uncovered myself and gripped a handful of blanket. "Neither! I was trying to figure out if I was gay!"

"Did she make you stop talking to me? Is that why we haven't hung out?"

"No, Alex. I swear! I—after I saw you that day you were with Max and the chalk, I realized that my feelings for you had not at all been stomped out. After I left, I met her at a coffee shop and we talked and we broke up and we decided to just be friends. She was trying to tell me that if I had to cut people out of my life to date her, then it wasn't healthy and she didn't want us to be like that. She didn't want to take me away from you. But you know, Alex, in those weeks that I was dating her, you didn't try to contact me as much as I thought you might."

"Well, at first I wanted to see how long it would take for you to call me first, but you never fucking did."

I froze. "I—I didn't?"

"No! You stopped talking to me after Melody's party. You never called, never messaged me, unless I talked to you first. I was curious how long it would take for you to call me or message me first. After a while, I started to miss you. Then I started thinking I did something wrong and that you were mad. Once you came around and told me all about Emerald, I just got pissed off."

I hadn't realized. I licked my lips and stared at my knees as I slid them down in front of me. "Lex. I'm so sorry. I didn't—I didn't think. I'm sorry. I just…being around you was hard."

"You could have talked to me, Mitchie. I wouldn't have been mad."

"But you are right now…"

"Because you kept it from me and didn't even know you hadn't talked to me. And you dated someone without telling me, and not only did you date someone you dated a girl! I didn't even know…and I'm supposed to be your best friend?"

Maybe she was right. I sighed, my body slowly relaxing. "I'm sorry. I wish I knew how to make it up to you."

"I think I just need some time. I can't…I mean, you could have talked to me, and you didn't. And you kissed her?"

Again, she was asking me about that. I frowned and said, "Yes, but I don't know why that matters…You had sex with Dean. And last I knew, you weren't sure if you were even dating him. Why are you asking if I kissed her when you did stuff with Dean? Why does that even matter?"

An exasperated noise filled the phone. "It just does, Mitch. It just does."

I was tired of this conversation; everything was my fault and sorry wasn't good enough, there was zero reason I should still be talking to her if she just wanted to fight. I leaned back against my headboard and closed my eyes. "I just called to explain myself and it's only turned into a fight, or maybe just a 'Look what you did wrong, Mitchie' lecture, so I'm going to go ahead and hang up. I'll talk to you later."

"Wait. I—I'm sorry. I know, you're talking to me now, and I should just take that and not dwell on who you went to first, I know it sounds like I'm being ridiculous, but I just…I'm just really shocked by all this information, I'm hurt because I didn't know a part of you, and I'm angry with myself, because I feel like this is something I should have known as your best friend…or been there for you through, because I'm your best friend and I just…I feel like I failed you…I just…I'm sorry, Mitch. This is a lot to process. I think I need some time. I'll call you when I'm ready to talk about everything."


	5. Needing You

We Go Down Together

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except Emerald.

Thanks for the reviews, love the feedback!

Chapter 5: Needing You

It was the second week of school and I still hadn't heard from Alex. She hadn't responded to a single message I'd sent. We hadn't spoken since the second to last week of summer and today marked exactly fifteen days since our last phone call.

I would have written it off on being busy with school, but we used to do our homework together at the library. And she was in four out of seven of my classes. So, we had a lot of chances to talk. The first day I'd seen her in our first class together, I'd assumed she wouldn't want to sit by me, so I sat alone. But the next class we had together, I'd tried that and she moved to sit next to me. She didn't speak, she just gave me a look that I couldn't read and before I could ask her about it, the bell rang and the teacher started talking. We sat next to each other every day in four of our classes, but we didn't speak unless we had to do partner work, which in our English class was more common than I would have thought.

The bell rang signaling the end of my last morning class with Alex. By the time I'd gathered up everything, Emerald was waiting outside the classroom. She waved, giving me a huge smile.

Alex was already long gone. I saw her dark hair bobbing down the hall, Harper by her side. I walked in the other direction, Emerald coming with me.

"So, how's that going?"

We stopped at my locker and I looked through the books and folders. "She still hasn't spoken to me." I pulled a few books out and put down the ones I didn't need now. Unfortunately, I didn't have any classes with Emerald, but with the way Alex was treating me, I wished Alex and she could trade.

She rolled her eyes and leaned against the lockers next to mine. "Is she seriously doing this? Doesn't she realize this is senior year? She's wasting a lot of time you two could be making more memories." She pushed herself off the locker with her foot and she walked me to the lunch room. She sighed and readjusted the books in her arms. "She'll regret this later."

I shrugged. "It's only the second week of school…maybe we'll work it out soon." Speculating what Alex would do was exhausting. "I'll see you later."

I walked over to the corner table where I sat alone. I had lunch opposite of all of my friends, but I didn't mind, because it gave me time to do homework for my two afternoon classes that actually gave homework. Luckily, I had gym as my last period of the day, unluckily, that was with Alex and today, I wasn't looking forward to it more than usual. We had to go from station to station doing different exercises with a partner. We'd picked partners at the end of last class, and she was the only person I knew in there and vice versa.

I stared out at the lunch tables and all the kids shouting over one another: one boy wearing a bright blue polo shirt laughed loudly and another wearing a red polo high fived him. I wondered what they were high fiving about, then realized I didn't care. I sighed and went back to my math assignment.

After ten minutes of math, I was done and sliding it into my folder.

"Can I sit here?"

I looked up to find Alex standing in front of me with a tray of food. I groaned and tilted my head up to the ceiling. "We have lunch together, too?" I brought my eyes to hers. "Sorry. I just—"

"Don't sound so excited." She shifted from one foot to the other. "So, can I sit here or not?"

My expression softened and I moved my books. "Of course, Alex. Always." My heart had sped up. Did this mean we were talking again? "So, um, what are you doing in here? Or have you been in here the whole time and I just didn't know?"

She sighed and slid into a seat across from me. "I dropped an elective and my options were to take a lunch or a study hall."

"Oh," I said, nodding. "That's cool."

She shrugged and took a bite of her chicken sandwich. "Why are you sitting alone?" she asked through her mouthful.

I shrugged and stole a fry off her plate. "To do homework, and because I don't know anyone else in here."

She smacked my hand. "Get your own."

I laughed. "Fine." I bit the fry as I stood up. "Here, you can have this back."

She swatted my hand away, causing me to drop the half-eaten fry to the ground. I walked away to find something to eat. While I stood in the line, I tried to discretely text Emerald and tell her I needed advice. She didn't text back before I made it back to the lunch table.

"Hey," I said, hoping I didn't sound as nervous as I felt.

She swallowed and wiped her mouth with a napkin. "Hey. What'd you get?"

I glanced at her plate, she was nearly done. "Um, just the chicken sandwich."

She looked at my plate and scoffed. "No fries of your own? Well, tomorrow, you owe me one!"

I laughed, trying not to get too excited by the promise of tomorrow. I took a bite of my sandwich and watched as she pushed her empty tray aside and pulled my homework in front of her. She flipped through the pages of my math assignment and then glanced at my science materials. I chewed slowly, trying to prolong the silence so that I didn't ask the questions tumbling around in my head.

She looked up as I swallowed. "Did you do all this while sitting here?"

"I did the science stuff last night, but the math, yeah, I did that before I got my food. Why?" I took another bite, forcing myself to shut up.

She shrugged. "Just impressed with what you get done when I'm not distracting you." She laughed lightly and glanced at me. Her brown eyes, I'd missed them so much, or rather, I missed them looking at me that soft, friendly way.

"So, are we good? Are we going to talk about …everything?" My eyes were wide, surprised as she was by the words that fell from my lips.

She closed my folder and slid it aside. "Yes and no."

I frowned. "What do you mean?" I set the last of my sandwich down and stared at her.

"Yes, we're good and no, we're not going to talk about everything."

Still confused, but trying to stay calm and friendly, I swallowed and fidgeted with my fingers. "So, what does that mean?"

She took a deep, steadying breath and looked me in the eye. "I'm sorry for getting so angry about everything; I understand where you were coming from and I still love you, but I don't know how I feel. You can't just tell someone you have a crush on them and then just expect them to know what to do with that, especially in this situation."

I held my tongue, nodded and took several deep breaths through my nose. She made valid points. My head continued to bob up and down as I folded my hands on the table in front of me. "I'm sorry for hiding things from you. You're still my best friend and I'm sorry for freaking out, too." I bowed my head and stared at the off white table top. "I still want to be your friend, even if you don't want to date me."

She blew out a stream of air and her breath hit my fingertips. "Mitchie, I don't want to do this here. But do you want to hang out tonight?"

I jerked my head up and looked at her. "What?"

"Please, come over after school?" Her dark hair fell into her face and she swiped it away with her hand.

"I—" The bell rang and I looked up at the clock. "Yeah, sure. Um, see you in gym." I picked up my books and reached for my tray but she beat me to it.

"See you," she said, grabbing my tray and hers. She winked at my confusion and walked away.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I walked to my next class.

"So, what did you need advice with? Sorry, we were actually doing shit in history today."

I looked up and found Emerald walking beside me. "Oh." I blinked and maneuvered around some slow-walking kids. "I, uh, Alex is in my lunch now and she sat with me and I don't know…we talked and now we're hanging out tonight."

"Oh, that's good, then, right? Is this before or instead of our dinner plans?"

"Oh, shit, I'm sorry. I forgot. She wants to hang right after school…but I don't know what she wants to do or how long it will take and I don't want to…I don't know, I don't want to ruin it or wreck it." I clicked my pen as I walked.

She nodded. "Totally makes sense; we'll reschedule! Let me know how it goes!" She waved and slipped into a classroom as I continued down the hall.

#

Gym was enjoyable since Alex was talking to me again, but it didn't make me any less nervous about seeing her outside of school. In school, I felt she might feel the need to be nicer than she would be outside.

She grabbed my arm and led me from the school after we hit our lockers together. I was in a daze the entire walk to her house, but I tried to stay conscious and coherent in the conversation.

As we walked into her room, she closed and locked the door before sitting down on her bed.

I swallowed and stared at her, standing against the closed door.

"I've got a lot to say. I need you to sit down."

I sidestepped over to her desk chair a few feet away from me and lowered myself into it. "So, what's up?"

Her face went red. "I was thinking of you, that one day…when you caught me…" She coughed and covered her eyes. "And I had sex with Dean, just to see…" She cleared her throat and licked her lips. She peaked out from under her fingers, our eyes connected.

I squinted at her and shook my head, gripping the armrests of the chair. "What?"

She dropped her eyes to the ground and lowered her hand from her face. "I didn't realize it until recently, but I think that I've liked you for a really long time. Like…liked you liked you." Her face was redder than before.

"Why didn't you say anything?" My fingers dug into the cushioning of the armrests as something else clicked. "Wait, you had sex with Dean because of what?"

"To try to stop liking you."

I pushed the chair backward, hitting the desk. "And you got mad at me about Emerald?" Standing up, I threw my arms up. "Are you kidding? You've had me walking around here feeling like I've been a complete dick while you were doing the same fucking thing!"

"I told you I was sorry for overreacting. I was just jealous! I wanted to be your first everything."

I shook my head and stared at her. "Are you kidding, Alex? Are you serious right now? You had sex with someone and I've been walking around, feeling like absolute shit for just kissing her!" The hurt in her eyes slowed me down and I stared, my mouth hanging open, into those brown eyes that I'd been dreaming about for four months.

Her eyes watered. "I'm sorry. Mitchie, please…"

I tried to unlock her door and turn the knob. "No, Lex. I don't want to do this right now."

"But, please, just listen! I—I want to be with you."

I turned to look at her. "You had sex with Dean."

"I was trying to be normal!"

"You can't fuck your way to being straight, Alex! God, I can't even believe you, especially after I've been walking around, feeling like shit for the past few weeks, regretting my decision to tell you the truth at all." My breathing was fast and angry and I felt my vision getting blurred.

She swiped her hand across her eyes, leaving her hand over her eyes. "Stop."

I closed my eyes, hugging my arms around my torso, as I stood still, counting to ten. "I know you apologized, but it doesn't make it okay. You can't expect me to be okay with this right away." Dating Emerald was nothing compared to her sex with Dean. "You wanted to be my first everything, so why would you think I'd want to be your second? Especially after you tell me you were trying to fuck him so you wouldn't want me anymore."

She came towards me and I backed up, hitting the door. She wiped the tears from my cheeks and I pushed her away. "Stop."

"I'm sorry. Please, Mitchie, just please. You don't have to forgive me, but please, don't leave me right now."

I stepped to the left, so she wasn't standing directly in front of me, in my personal space. At the end of the day, she was my best friend and we had so many memories together, so many good and bad times, it seemed silly to give all that up. I didn't want to forgive her, yet, but I wanted, needed, my best friend right now. I stood against the wall, crying silently, trying to compose myself, as she stood next to me, her breaths short and uneven. She started to slide down in front of the door, but I caught her arm and pulled her into a hug. After a deep inhale and exhale, I spoke into her melon-scented hair. "This doesn't mean I forgive you. I just need my best friend right now."

She nodded and buried her face into my shoulder. Muffled apologies hit my ears as I clung to her, trying to calm down. I stared around her room over her shoulder, looking for anything to talk about that didn't involve feelings.

"You got a new comforter." My voice was softer as I tried to put away my anger and hurt.

She pulled away and wiped her eyes, glancing over at her bed. "Yeah, Max spilled paint on my bed. For some reason, I found him trying to do still life paintings in my room and I came home and found a pool of paint on my bed." She shook her head, chuckling.

I smiled and gently unwound my arms from around her. "So, are you dating Dean?"

"No. I told him it was a mistake and that I didn't like him like that." I watched her eyes flit to my lips and then back to my eyes and wondered how often I did that to her.

I nodded and walked over to her bed. "Well, that's cool." I stretched out on the mattress and reached for the picture on her nightstand. It was the same frame and photo as the one I had in my room. Why couldn't it be that simple still? I yawned and glanced at the clock. Already dinner time; it didn't feel like I'd been there for two hours.

I looked at her, standing where I left her across the room. "Alex, do you want to eat soon or should I still plan on meeting up with Emerald for dinner?" I waited with bated breath, afraid she'd yell at the mere mention of the other girl.

She fidgeted with her fingers. "Do you think she'd mind if I joined you two?" She glanced at me, fear in her eyes.

Surprised by her question and the fear, I stared at her for a minute. Finally, I motioned for her to come to me with my index finger and she complied. I sat up and took her hands in an attempt to be reassuring. "I'm sure she'll be happy to meet you."

#

We pretended that afternoon in her bedroom didn't happen and went on being friends, ignoring our mutual feelings. I was trying to work past my negative feelings and, for whatever reason, she was respecting my unspoken wish to avoid that topic; maybe she was just as mad and didn't want to fight about it—I didn't know. The longer I ignored the thoughts of why I'd been upset, the more I forgot why I'd been mad.

"Hey, so do you want to stay over this weekend?" Alex poked her sandwich with a French fry as I sat down with my tray of food.

My brow furrowed as I opened my mouth to respond. She continued before I could say anything, though.

"I remember why you said you didn't want to stay over, but I figured since it's out there now and—"

"Sure," I said, shrugging. "But," I added, as I grabbed a fry, "Nothing's happening." I winked and bit the crinkled fry.

A toothy grin broke out on her face. "Really?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I mean, you're right; we're on the same page. Now I don't have to feel as guilty if we're sharing the same bed, while I'm having some sexy dream about you." I shrugged again and began eating my chicken nuggets.

After school, Emerald and I did homework at the sub shop, while Alex worked.

Emerald glanced at Alex and then turned to me. "So," she whispered, even though Alex wasn't anywhere near us. "Are you two an item or what?"

I looked over at Alex, watching her speak to the customers at a table near the register. I turned my head back to Emerald and sighed. "No. I'd like to be, but…I'm still upset that she slept with Dean, but got upset with me for dating you. I mean, if she didn't like me, that's fine, but that she was trying to not like me and that's why she slept with Dean. It just hurts to think about it." I stirred my straw, knocking ice cubes around. A few fizz bubbles rose to the top of my cherry Coke.

"Well, you dated me, and didn't tell her. Is it really fair to hold Dean against her? I mean, she, at least, mentioned the Dean thing, like, right after it happened, right?"

I clamped my lips around my straw and blew bubbles into my drink. "I don't know."

She picked up her pen again and hit it against her hand. "Well, is she holding me against you?"

Her green eyes bore into mine and I knew she had a point. I sighed. "It's different, because I really did like you like that for a minute. I don't think she ever liked Dean…even for a minute."

"Well, still, I think you're both being stupid. You've wanted to be together and, yet, now you're not getting together." She set her pen down and lifted her cup of coffee to her lips.

I groaned and looked back down at my math assignment. She was right. We were being complete idiots, but I couldn't help that it hurt to know she'd been trying to stop her feelings through having sex with Dean…even though, I'd been trying the same thing with Emerald. I sighed again. I didn't have sex with a guy I knew had feelings for me though. I sipped my drink and stared at the equation in front of me. I had dated someone, though, and maybe, in a way, that was just as bad as the sex.

I looked up and Emerald locked me into a staring contest for a second. She raised an eyebrow and I set my head on the table, breaking the eye contact. "You're right." I set my pen down and lifted my head to glance at Alex. She happened to be looking our way, too, and I smiled at her. "I'm going to ask her once she's done here."

I brought my eyes back to Emerald. She played with a ring on her third finger and smiled. "Good. I hope she's ready to say yes."

I watched as she stared at her English textbook. "Do you think she'll want to?"

She shrugged, not looking up from her book. "Probably. From what you told me, it kind of leads me to think she was trying to do that when you talked in her bedroom."

A few hours late, Alex and I sat in her bedroom, working on English together.

"Hey," I said.

Her pen froze.

"Can we talk about something for a minute, that isn't related to this _Hamlet_ essay?"

She nodded, slowly setting her pen down. "What's up?"

"I want to say I'm sorry for getting so upset about everything. Emerald made me realize that I was being stupid, and what she said made sense." I shrugged and took a minute to think. Was I ready to face possible rejection? I twirled my pen in between my fingers and looked up, catching her eyes. "I'm really sorry. We were both dumb about how we handled everything. I'm sorry."

She looked timid, but I didn't blame her. She slowly nodded and said, "I'm so sorry, too. I just want this to be behind us."

I swallowed the nervous feeling growing in my throat. "That leads me to the next thing I want to talk about. Would you want to go on a date with me?"

She threw her arms around my neck and buried her face in my shoulder.

I dropped my pen and held onto her. I figured this was a yes, but I didn't want to assume anything. I hugged her, waiting for her to speak, or at least, hoping that she would. She didn't. "Alex?"

"The answer is yes, dork." She continued holding onto me tightly, but I didn't object.

I grinned, burying my face in her hair.


	6. Quiet Happiness

We Go Down Together

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except Emerald.

Thank you very much for the feedback!

Chapter 6: Quiet Happiness

Alex and I walked side by side into the restaurant, our elbows grazing each other every once in a while; I was too nervous to try taking her hand. After we were seated and had ordered drinks, I looked at her nervously across the table.

"Sorry, I didn't really know if I should…we didn't talk about being out in public. What if we run into someone we know from school?"

She smiled and shook her head. "Well, if we run into our friends, I'm sure they won't ask questions. We've always been weird together." She laughed and then looked at me with a serious look in her eyes. "Um, so, you know how you'd been going to Emerald and everything? Well, I'd been going to Harper for the same things, so she knows we're on this date."

"Cool." I flipped through the menu. "What are you going to get?"

"I don't know. I was thinking maybe the baked lasagna, but I'm still looking." She studied the menu, making faces at the things she didn't like.

"Yum! I think I'm going to go with the cheese ravioli."

She looked up. "That sounds good."

I laughed and set the menu down. "Oh my god, how do dates even work? I'm so nervous and I don't get it. I mean, we hang out all the time! I'm pretty sure we've had way more intimate moments and dinners than this."

She exhaled, putting the menu aside, too. "I know! I feel like we're being so awkward!"

We broke into a small giggle fit which the waitress interrupted. Once we'd gotten our food, we fell into a comfortable conversation about homework and stupid things that had happened at school. A few hours later, we were in front of her house. We stood in front of the street light in front of the sub shop and she glanced at my lips, smiling as her face turned red.

"So, this is usually where the date ends," she said, playing with her fingertips.

I took her hand, my lips spread into a smile, exposing my teeth. "Oh, yeah? Do you want a good night kiss? Or would you rather me tuck you into your bed?"

She laughed and looked at me. "I'd really like both. But if I have to choose, maybe just a good night kiss tonight, but maybe next time you can tuck me in."

Any confidence I had left me as I realized one of us would have to initiate the kiss. Kissing Emerald had been easy, she'd started it. I swallowed and looked at Alex's lips. Those lips I'd been dreaming about for months were finally allowing me to share a kiss.

"God, this is the restaurant all over again." She giggled and pulled me closer. "Let's count to three and go in, okay?"

I laughed nervously and nodded. "One," I said, leaning in slightly.

"Two," she said, quietly as she came a little closer, too. I could feel her breath on my lips.

I stepped a little closer, but paused. "Wait, do I say three or kiss you now?"

"Too late," she said, gently placing lips on mine.

It was better than I'd dreamed. I smiled into the kiss and gave her hand a light squeeze. She squeezed back and pulled away. She wrapped her arms around me and held on to me as I hugged her in return.

#

"So, where do you want to go tonight?" Alex bumped her hip against mine, almost knocking my school books from my grip. She held hers with one hand as she steadied me. "Sorry."

Several months had passed as we quietly dated. Friday nights quickly turned into date nights, unless one of us or both of us had to work.

"It's cool. I don't know. Do you want to go to that indoor rock wall climbing place?" I straightened my books and switched them to my other hand as I lightly linked our fingers. "Is this okay?"

She glanced away from the crowded hall we were maneuvering down and looked at me. "What?" We'd decided we weren't trying to hide our relationship, but we weren't exactly flaunting it either.

I slid my eyes to our fingers. "This."

"Oh, that? Yeah, definitely." She laced her fingers through mine, taking my hand fully. "And the rock wall place may be a little expensive. I'd need to check my bank account first."

"Oh, then never mind. We can do something else. I'm a little on the broke side, I had to give my mom money for my part of the phone bill." I tried not to be nervous about our hand-holding, but I couldn't stop my hand from getting a little clammy.

"Would you want to stay in and watch movies? Will your parents be home or should we try my house?" She let go of my hand as we approached the gym.

"I think my parents have dinner plans with their friends. But I don't know," I said as we walked into the locker room. "Do you think—"

My books were forced out of my hands and I stared, mouth open, as Caitlyn laughed.

I slowly shut my mouth and stared at her. "What was that for?"

Caitlyn was known for picking on the weaker thans, but she'd never zeroed in on Alex or me. She folded her arms over her chest. "That was a warning. If I catch either of you dykes checking me out, this will seem like a friendship offering." She pointed at us, her eyes slits. "From now on, you're going to both be changing before you come to gym class. Good luck getting here on time."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, Caitlyn; thanks for this. But we're going to be late for attendance." I bent down to pick up my books with Alex's help.

Caitlyn stepped on my hand and twisted.

"Fuck!" As I got over the shock of the pain, I shoved her off with my other hand.

"Seriously, what's your deal?" Alex stepped in front of me as I finished grabbing my books. "Why do you assume we'd think you're at all attractive, especially while we're dating each other?" Alex shoved her.

I stepped in front of her and kept my back to Caitlyn. "Alex, stop it. She's not worth the detention or suspension this is going to cause."

"But she's calling us names, threatening us, suggesting we'd cheat on each other! I can't believe—"

My vision blurred as a pain spread from the back of my head, through my neck and shoulders. "What the fuck?" My words slurred together slightly and I felt a little drunk.

"Oh my god!" Alex caught me as I fell into her. "We're skipping. This is bullshit." She turned us to walk towards the stairs we'd just walked down when I heard a ringing. I wasn't sure if it was in my head or not, so I ignored it.

"Is there a problem here, ladies?" Ms. Elbersted, the ladies' gym teacher.

Alex, wrapping her arm around my waist, turned us back around to face Ms. Elbersted who was standing next to Caitlyn who no longer had the object she'd slammed into my head. "Yes, actually, there is a problem. First, Caitlyn knocked Mitchie's books out of her hands, called us dykes, threatened us, told us we weren't allowed to change in the locker room and then stepped on Mitchie's hand and then hit Mitchie in the back of the head with a chemistry book."

Ms. Elbersted looked bewildered. "Is that true, Caitlyn?"

"Well, Alex shoved me!" She somehow managed to stare daggers into both of us simultaneously.

"Don't even! I only did that after you stepped on Mitchie's hand." Alex let go of me and I wobbled, but managed to retain my balance this time.

Ms. Elbersted looked from Alex to me to Caitlyn and then glanced at her watch. "Caitlyn, my office. Alex, take Mitchie to the nurse. If the nurse says she's all right, both of you come back and we're all going to have a talk. If not, we'll discuss this more on Monday."

As we walked down the hall to the nurse's office, the pain in my shoulders and neck went from throbbing to a dull ache, but the headache had moved to include the area behind my eyes. I just wanted to shut my eyes or wear dark sunglasses, or maybe wear the sunglasses and close my eyes.

"Are you listening?"

I yawned. "Sorry, Lex, I wasn't. What were you saying?" I shook my head, trying to get the dull ringing in my ears to stop.

"I was saying that she's going to get away with that. She's going to suck up to Elbersted and then she's going to go on being a bitch!" She shifted our books from one arm to the other and continued on about how Caitlyn needed to go to hell.

The nurse decided I had a mild concussion; while Alex explained what happened to the nurse and was extremely mad about the situation, I was impressed with the strength that Caitlyn had exerted.

I waited in the nurse's office, while Alex reported back to Ms. Elbersted. Once she came back, I handed over my car keys and Alex drove us to my house. We got there and I plopped down on the couch, not willing to walk all the way to my room. "Mitch, you can't fall asleep. Come on, talk to me...how's Emerald?"

I yawned and looked at her. "She's good. She's sort of dating some girl right now. Her name is…" I snapped my fingers. "Shit."

Alex giggled. "Yeah? That's a weirder name than Emerald."

"No, no." I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. "It's totally escaping me right now. I think it's Rachel, or R-something. Randy? Maybe it's a guy actually. Hell, I don't know. I'll text her later."

Alex dropped our backpacks in front of the couch and sat next to me. "Come on; let's do something outside…let's …sit outside."

I laughed. "Yeah, right. My head hurts, Lex. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything right now."

She side-eyed me. "You don't wanna do anything at all right now, huh?" She ran her hand up my leg, from my knee to my inner thigh. Leaning in, she kissed my neck, softly sucking.

I groaned. "Okay, that feels really good." I put my hands on her waist, trying to pull her onto my lap.

She deflected my advances and pulled away from me entirely. "Oh, no, but we can't do that right now. You're sleepy. We can just talk and keep you awake that way." She got up and walked over to the big, comfy orange armchair that my grandparents had thrust upon my parents.

"Alex." I whined, frowning. I moved to get up, but so did she.

She grabbed our backpacks and swung them over her shoulders. "Well, you can take a nap here if you really want. I'm going to go hang out in your room, maybe do some homework."

I stood up and followed her. "But Alex, you hate homework. We can make out instead. It's Friday night, please? This is date night. Making out can be our date!"

She laughed and stomped up the stairs.

I stood at the bottom, unsure if I really wanted to make this climb. And by this climb, it was only twelve steps, but I knew it was going to feel like a hundred. "Alex! Please, come back down here."

She didn't respond.

I looked around, wishing an elevator would magically appear in my house. Sighing, I started the climb. It was a lot shorter than I thought it would be.

"Alex?"

She grabbed me by my arm and pulled me into my room, gently spinning me into her. She pushed the door shut and quickly guided us to the bed. We lay there, making out for what felt like minutes, but as I heard keys in the front door, I knew it had been hours.

I froze and looked at her, a silent apology in my eyes. She kissed the tip of my nose and slid off my torso. We hadn't told our parents, because we didn't think they'd let us continue having sleepovers. Plus, it wasn't like we were fooling around anyway. I wanted sex or any sexual activity we shared to be special and a few days into a relationship, even with her, I knew it wouldn't be as meaningful as I wanted it to be.

"Do you think they'd be mad?" She whispered it as if my mom could hear us from downstairs.

I shrugged as I lay next to her, playing with her fingers. "I don't know. I've never actually heard her or Dad talk about gay people or what they think of everything going on with gay rights and stuff…I don't know if they don't care or if they think it's so bad, they don't even want to think about it, or what. I want to believe they'd still love me, but honestly, I don't know. What about your parents?"

She rested her head on my chest and I shifted so she could nuzzle into the crook of my arm. "I don't know either. I mean, I guess, maybe, they wouldn't care. Justin dated a girl once who dumped him for another girl…they didn't say she was going to rot in hell or anything…I don't know. I was too afraid to bring it up with my mom while I was trying to figure everything out."

We heard footsteps on the stairs and pulled apart. She got up and went over to my desk. She opened my laptop and started surfing through my music collection. There was a knock on my door and my mom stuck her head in. "Hey, girls, I've got an interesting voicemail, I'd like explained after I've changed into something more comfortable than this pantsuit."

I sighed and closed my eyes. "Don't worry. I'm sure Alex would love to talk all about it."

Alex shook her head. "Oh my god, you're going to be so mad, Connie. Seriously."

My mom laughed. "Well, all right, then, I'll meet you in the kitchen in ten."

Alex tweaked the story a little bit; she left out why Caitlyn had taken the sudden interest in us. Once Alex got to the part about her hitting me in the head with a book, the "why" had become irrelevant.

"I'm going to have a talk with that principal of yours. She's not going to be going to school there much longer if I get my way." My mom grabbed the portable house phone she refused to give up and left the kitchen.

I yawned, doubting anyone would still be answering phones in the office.

Alex turned to me and frowned. "Are you okay?"

Leaning against the counter, rubbing my eyelids, I nodded. "Yeah. Today's just been a bit long." I stretched my arm out and ruffled her hair.

She giggled, fixing her hair. "Do you want to go back up to your room, maybe we can go back to what we were doing…" She wiggled her eyebrows and winked.

I laughed. "That's a great idea, we probably should."

She laughed. "Come on, I wasn't serious. Your mom is home."

I wrapped my arms around her waist, resting my chin on her shoulder. "Please, Lex? Please?"

Footsteps ripped us apart and I tried not to look guilty.

My mom set the portable phone on its dock in the hallway outside of the kitchen. She sighed, putting her hair into a ponytail as she walked into the kitchen. "Nobody's answering. If they don't have office hours on the weekends, I'm going to march down there first thing Monday morning and do this in person."

I nodded, fidgeting with my fingers, trying to think of something else to talk about.

"That's totally inconsiderate. You think they'd have extended office hours on Fridays." Alex walked over to the fridge and pulled out a can of Diet Coke.

Alex handed my mom a Sprite. "Thanks." They popped the tops at the same time.

I scoffed, feigning hurt. "Nothing for me?"

"Well, my gi—you can get your own." She took a sip and turned away from my mom to hide her embarrassment from my mom and break our panicked eye contact.

But she heard it. She swallowed and looked at us. "What was that?"

Alex shrugged. "Nothing. I just didn't know what I wanted to say before I started talking." She rolled her eyes. "I'm working on the filter between my brain and mouth."

My mom laughed. "You two are so weird sometimes." She took another gulp of hers and looked around the kitchen. "What do you want to do about dinner?"

"I don't know," I said, as I grabbed myself a cherry Coke and sat down at the kitchen table. "What did you have in mind?"

Mom paused and squinted at us. "Wait. You guys usually go out for dinner on Fridays. What's the deal with not going tonight?"

We both shrugged. Alex spoke first. "Since Mitchie got sent home with the concussion, we just decided not to go tonight. I figured she would need to take it easy."

My mom nodded, turning back to the cabinets. "Good call. Mitchie, you probably should lie down."

"No," I said. "I'm okay here." I spun my aluminum can with my fingers. "I think I'd just like to order some Chinese."

"That's a good idea," Mom said, closing a cabinet. "I didn't feel like cooking. I'll call your dad and have him pick it up on his way home. What do you guys want?"

#

"Come on, Alex, let's go. You can shower at your house." I tugged on her arm, but she didn't budge from in front of the mirror.

"But it's so cold outside. I don't want to walk out there with wet hair. Even for a minute." It was the last day of classes before winter break; it also marked the official end of the swimming sessions in gym. The last four weeks had been nothing but swimming and I was ready to run laps instead.

She continued brushing her hair, trying to comb it out before she used the hairdryer.

I sighed and folded my arms. "Grab the extra towel in your locker. You brought it just for this."

"I know, but—"

"But nothing." I walked over to her gym locker and grabbed the towel. Holding it out to her, I said, "Come on. I just want to go."

I wanted to leave before Caitlyn decided we'd been in here for too long. She hadn't gotten expelled like my mom had pushed for, she'd been suspended for three weeks, but once she'd gotten back, she'd been relentless.

The word 'fag' had appeared on my locker a few days after her return; scratched into the red paint like it could have been anyone. We still weren't being overly public with our relationship, and the only person on the planet who even seemed to care was Caitlyn. Emerald had tried to tell her to back off; the only things that changed: Caitlyn got sneakier, Emerald got expelled for the remainder of the semester.

The hell Caitlyn was inflicting upon us wasn't helping the fact that even though Alex and I had been dating for nearly five months, I still wasn't entirely comfortable with my sexuality. I still wanted to be normal, and every time she whispered dyke or I visited my locker, I knew I wasn't normal, despite what I wanted to believe.

I thought I'd gotten over it while I was dating Emerald; I'd been certain that realizing that first kiss in the park made me feel a million times better than any kiss I'd shared with my previous boyfriends had been enough to convince me what I wanted was okay, was normal somewhere.

Alex never seemed bothered by the taunting, but I'd never raised these fears and discomforts with her or Emerald, because I didn't want them to think I was going to try going back into the closet or something.

She snapped her fingers in front of my face and I blinked. "What?" Alex smiled and tilted her head. "Sorry. What did you say?"

She laughed and took my hand. "You ready to go?"

I nodded. "Yeah." I shook my head and blinked a few more times. "I'm excited to spend this break together. I still don't know what to get you though."

We walked out to my car, hands too full to hold each others. We'd decided to bring all of our books with us. Our plan was to get any homework listed on our syllabi done so that we could hang out all of the next semester and not worry with school. I wasn't sure we'd stick with that plan, but I was ambitious.

"Hey, Russo."

We stopped and both turned to look at Dean. Despite his too-loud volume setting, he had sounded dejected.

"Is it true?" He walked towards us; his eyes were roaming our bodies. He squinted, like he was looking for something.

"Um, is what true, Dean?" Alex shifted her books slightly.

He pulled a piece of paper out of his back pocket and held it up. "I got a note in my locker today." His hand holding it shook slightly. "It says you two are dating." He waved the paper from me to her and back.

She glanced at me, silently asking if it was okay to be truthful with him. We still hadn't told anyone other than Harper and Emerald. In fact, since we'd started dating, we hadn't talked to any of our friends. I was afraid that they would dump me, and maybe I was a little afraid of making this so official and real. If we told them, there was no going back.

She took a deep breath. "Yes, Dean. It's true."

He nodded and shoved the paper back in his pocket. "Okay…if you ever decide she's not satisfying you, give me a call. Later, Russo."


	7. Normal

We Go Down Together

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except Emerald.

Chapter7: Normal

Alex straddled me; my fingers were digging into her hips. Our lips were glued together; as I moaned into her mouth, trying to keep it uptown was getting harder. Her hands massaged my breasts and the sensation that shot through my body when she rolled my nipples in between her fingertips could have killed me.

It was the first week of winter break and we had the house to ourselves until my mom got home from work at five. We'd decided that watching _Hook_ wasn't as fun as we remembered it to be six years ago, so watching the movie had dwindled into a make out session.

Her fingers trailed down from my breast to my side, making my skin break out in goose bumps. "Alex," I panted. "Please."

She brought her hand back up to my chest. "I know, I know."

"No, please." I looked at her, with wide eyes. "Please."

"Oh," she said, grinning. "Really?" She slipped her fingers down my side again and played with the top of my pajama shorts.

"Please."

She dipped her hand into my shorts, keeping it over my underwear. "Is that what you wanted?"

I let out a small gasp as she went under my panties. "Yes."

She kissed me, trailing kisses down to my neck, all the while keeping her hand busy in my pants.

The door to my room opened and a scream tore us apart. My mom stood in the doorway, her mouth hanging open. "What the hell is this?"

I didn't have any words in my brain as I lowered my shirt and scanned the room for my bra, trying to remember which way I'd tossed it when Alex unhooked it.

"Awkward." Alex offered up the only word that sounded appropriate as she wiped her hand on my blanket.

Too shocked to actually laugh, I stared as my mom stood, staring back. I could see the puzzle coming together. Finally, my mom pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. "Alex, I think you need to go home."

She was already one step ahead of my mom on that one; she was tying her shoes and stood awkwardly, trying to decide if she should chance a good bye kiss. I pulled her in and gave her one quickly on the lips.

Alex showed herself to the front door as my mom and I continued to our awkward silence in my room. I heard the front door shut and held my breath.

"How long has this been going on?" She must have found my bra, because her eyes fixed on something to the side of my bed, next to my foot and wouldn't stop staring.

I cleared my throat, wondering if my hair was messed up. "September," I said, raking my hand through my hair, trying to comb it with my fingers.

Her lips pinched together tightly, turning white and then disappearing. "I'm calling your father."

Frowning, I glanced at the spot she was staring at intently. Sure enough, my bright pink bra stared up at me. I reached down and grabbed it, balling it up and holding it in my lap with both hands. "Why?"

"Well, he'll need to know where you're at." She dug through her purse, looking for her cell phone.

"Where I'm at? Wait, why are you home so early?"

She pulled her phone out and flipped it open. "I figured I'd work from home and spend the afternoon with you." She scrolled through her contacts, pressing the button when she got to Dad's number.

"Oh," I said, biting my lip. "Sorry."

"No, Mitchie, I'm sorry. I should have known." She walked down the hall with her phone against her ear. "Put on some clothes and be ready to leave in a few minutes. I think they still take walk-ins."

She wasn't making any sense, but I did as she said; I felt I owed her that after what she'd just walked in on.

My phone buzzed while I pulled an outfit out of my closet. It was Alex, asking if everything was okay. I figured I'd answer her in the car, so I shoved my phone into my jeans and then pulled my jeans up my legs.

"Your father can't leave work, but he said to go ahead and go without him."

"Where are we going, exactly?" I changed shirts in my bathroom as my mom paced in the hall.

She didn't answer me as she walked downstairs, but suddenly, I felt like the situation was a little more ominous than I originally thought. I closed the bathroom door and locked it. I dialed Alex's number. She answered on the first ring. "Don't talk, just listen. My mom is trying to take me somewhere, and I don't know if I'm coming back. I have a feeling I'm not. I don't think she's okay with this, with us. Just know I love you and nothing can change that. I need to go."

I hung up and glanced at myself one more time in the mirror. I thought about calling Emerald, but decided not to. I texted Alex: Christina. Hoping that was code enough for my mom to not realize that Emerald was Christina.

I exhaled and then inhaled, holding my breath.

"Mitchie?" My mom knocked on the bathroom door.

I quickly opened it and smiled. "Ready."

We finally parked in a visitor's lot at what looked like a small, rehab or hospice center. Twenty minutes later, my mom had signed several pieces of paper, and then without letting me read over them, demanded my signature as well. I complied, afraid to upset her, after her strange mood in the car.

"Michelle?" I looked up and saw a smiling lady wearing scrubs, holding a clipboard, in a door way.

I looked at my mom and then back at the nurse. My mom nodded, gesturing me to go. I swallowed and stood. "It's Mitchie."

"Oh, but Michelle is such a pretty name. I think we'd all prefer calling you that. It's what your mother named you, the name God told her to use. Why wouldn't you want to go by it?"

I'd never had anyone object to calling me what I wanted them to. I just stared at her, unsure of what to do or say. "I-uh, that's fine." I didn't want to get into a fight with someone the first time I spoke here.

A sob burst forth from the front room and I tried to glance back before the door shut, sure that it was my mom who had just made that noise. The door shut before I could confirm it, but I felt my body start shaking.

"First thing is first. We'll need your cell phone. While you're here, you'll need to hand over all personal belongings. The uniform for women is sitting on the bed in there." She led me into a small room with a desk and bed. She pointed to the small, neatly folded pile of clothing. "I'll just need you to change into that before I take you to meet everyone else"

I had a feeling I knew what kind of place this was, but I didn't want to know for certain until I absolutely had to. I nodded and she said she'd be waiting in the hall while I changed.

I glanced around the room. Completely bare. I sighed and picked up the pile of clothing. It was the ugliest thing I'd ever seen. It was a dress, but had writing across the chest and back. The front read, "Eve Loves Adam." The back had an equation plastered on it: "1 Man + 1 Woman = Marriage."

"Fuck," I mumbled as I stared at it, debating between throwing it away and just doing what the lady asked.

#

"Hi, Michelle," the group said in unison.

I gave a wide smile, which I hoped they wouldn't know was fake, and waved at them.

"So," the group leader said. "Do you want to share your story?" She quickly scribbled something on her clipboard and then looked up and smiled at me.

I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I closed my mouth and shrugged.

"Are you shy?" I looked at the person who had spoken. It was a boy who looked about my age; he wore a similar smile to the one on the group leader.

I shook my head and said, "I just don't understand the question."

"We'd like to hear about the struggle you've been dealing within. How long have you been turning your back on God?"

I frowned and looked down at my lap. That was a stupid question. I'd never been particularly religious and God hadn't really come up in my home; in fact, I was unsure of why I was even here right now. A Christian conversion center? Really, Mom? I sighed and weighed my options quickly, as I glanced at the smiling group. I could play along or I could resist and maybe get sent away to somewhere else. At least, I knew this program was going to be four weeks and then that was all.

I swallowed and lowered my head, unable to take in the weird smiles any longer. "I guess, it's been going on for several months. I'd wanted to date my best friend, so I found a different girl and dated her and then," I paused. I didn't want any of this to come down on Alex. "I convinced my best friend to try dating me. And then, um, my mom caught us."

They all nodded; a sympathetic look in their eyes.

"Now, Michelle," Valerie the group leader said, scribbling another note on her clipboard. "Do you think that God would be proud of your decision to come here?"

Oh, God, what was the right answer here? I exhaled and stared at my yellow lap. "Yes, I think He'd understand that I am trying to find my way back to him." What a fucking load of crap. I tried to keep my big smile plastered on my lips, but I wasn't sure if it was holding.

"Good, good." She made a quick mark and looked up again. "How do you feel now that you've started the personal journey to recovery?" Her eyes seemed to look right into my soul.

"I—" I gulped. "I feel good."

Everyone clapped and then she moved onto the next person. I zoned out, this place was a mental ward, but all the workers were the ones who needed to be in these ugly outfits. My one piece dress was such an ugly shade of yellow. It looked like lemonade with too much water in it. The men wore a button up shirt that was a darker shade of yellow with black dress pants.

Once group was dismissed for the morning, I was free to do what I wanted until the afternoon session at 2:30. I wandered around, kind of looking for an escape, kind of just looking for some place to avoid these nuts.

A guy around my age stepped into my path and held his hand out. "Hey, Michelle, I'm Aaron."

I shook his hand. "Hi."

"It's nice to meet you, would you mind if I walked with you?" He smiled.

I looked him up and down. He looked harmless enough. "Why not?"

"Great." He clapped and fell into my step. "So, are you ready to accept the Lord and let him heal you?"

I frowned. "Heal me from what?"

He shoved his hands in his pockets. "From the wrong-doing you've been part of. Don't you feel guilt for how you've misbehaved?"

"Well, I don't really think I've done anything that wrong…I mean, I didn't kill anyone, or steal anything, or anything illegal."

He stopped and turned to me. "This place will help you if you let it." He clapped his hand onto my shoulder. "I didn't think I'd ever get to be normal again…I hated being called a freak, but now that I'm here, I'm certain when I leave, people won't call me that anymore."

I shifted slightly. Normal did sound nice. The idea that Caitlyn wouldn't bother me or Alex anymore was appealing, and seemed like the only way to get her to stop was to be normal. I chewed on my lip.

Aaron gave my shoulder a squeeze. "You'll see. God will make you normal, too."

He let go of me and we continued walking. I thought of Alex, Emerald and the torture from Caitlyn, and the way my mom dumped me in here without saying much at all. I wondered if maybe normal would be a relief.

#

"Michelle?" The door to my room creaked open and I refrained from groaning. It was visitor's day. "Your mother is here."

I nodded and got up. I'd been dressed and ready to get this over with since six in the morning. I followed Valerie to the visitor rooms. As my eyes landed on my mom; she gave a big, fake smile that gave mine a run for its money.

"You've got an hour. I'll be back to get you then, Michelle." Valerie smiled and left us alone.

I swallowed, unsure of what to say or do.

"Sweetie," my mom said, sitting down at the table. "How you are? Is the place treating you well?"

I shrugged. "I guess, I can't really complain." Not to you anyway. I sat across from her and folded and unfolded my fingers.

"Well, that's good. Your dad says hi. We can't wait to have you back home. I'm happy she called you Michelle; I haven't heard you go by that in a long time." She sighed and got a distant look in her eyes. "Maybe it's partly our fault, for always calling you by that silly little tomboy nickname."

I focused on the table top; a faded stain was on the edge of it. It looked like red Kool-Aid had been spilled here once upon a time.

"We can't wait until you're better. Do you feel better?" She smiled at me tightly. "I'm so sorry you've got to deal with this struggle, baby. I don't know how I let you get so lost."

I bit my lip and narrowed my eyes at her. "I feel fine."

"Good," she said, placing her hand over mine. "I can't wait until you get better, so we can just get back to our normal lives and we can all just love each other again." She patted my hand and smiled sadly, as if I was encroaching on our family's happiness.

"But I'm not—"

"It'll be okay, Shelly."

My nose scrunched up and a laugh escaped before I could stop it. "Oh, god, what kind of nickname is that?"

She pulled her hands back. "Watch your mouth, young lady. Shelly is a perfectly good nickname for Michelle. Much better than Mitchie." Her features dripped with disgust as she said 'Mitchie' and I felt my face turning red.

I looked down at my hands again, promising myself that I wouldn't cry. Where was my mom and who was this monster? My foot jumped up and down under the table and I tried to calm it down, but I couldn't understand her reactions, her expressions or her words. Was she so sickened by me now that she knew that I preferred a girl's touch over a guy's? How could she love me any less when I was the same person?

She babbled about life outside my prison and I tuned her out, continuing to wonder what was so different about the me who had dated boys and the me who loved Alex. I didn't see the difference; could anyone ever see their own flaws as clearly as their mothers could?

When our hour was finally over, I had to go straight to a group meeting. I saw Aaron sitting near Valerie. He smiled at me as I walked in and I gave a small wave as I sat down next to two empty seats. I didn't listen during group, but I thought about Aaron's words; I was certain at least pretending to be normal would be a relief. Maybe, over time, I could be normal.

I went back to my room, thinking about my mom and normalcy and wondering who she wanted me to be. I wished I could call Emerald or Alex. Crying, I fell asleep; dreams of Alex and my mom catching us plagued me.


	8. The Real Freaks

We Go Down Together

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except Emerald, and I guess the camp people, but definitely NOT Mitchie or Alex.

Chapter 8: The Real Freaks

"I want you to write a letter to the girl who made you lose your way, and tell her that she should try to find the light like you have."

My hand shook as I took the pen and paper Valerie offered me. Next week, I'd be at home, back in school, back on track.

It was the last week of the program and it was time to tell Alex about my progress. I shut the door to my room and sat down at the tiny desk. Staring at the blank piece of lined paper, I didn't know what to say. There was a lot I wanted to say, a lot I couldn't say, and a lot I needed to tell her.

I swallowed and picked up the pen and twirled it in my fingers. Slapping it against the desk, I wondered if they would read these letters before sending them. I put my head down and closed my eyes.

Lifting my head, I wrote Alex at the top of the paper. I licked my lips and blinked away the tears that were trying to get out. I took a shaky breath and started writing. Every word ripped through my heart, but I knew it would be for the best. It would make us normal again. I signed it and once I'd finished, I crawled into the twin bed and cried myself to sleep.

Six days later, Aaron hugged me goodbye. "Keep in touch, Michelle."

I nodded and walked out to find my mom's car waiting for me. After four weeks of nothing but those ugly, yellow dresses, walking out in my jeans and t-shirt felt weird. I got into the car and pretended to be asleep after a few tiring questions from my mom.

Once we got home, I made for the stairs quickly.

"Michelle, I'd like to speak with you in the kitchen before you go upstairs."

I rolled my eyes, changing my path from the steps and walked into the kitchen. "What's up?"

My mom held out my cell phone. "I've gotten your number changed. I'd appreciate it if you didn't give it to Alex."

I refrained from rolling my eyes and took the phone she held out.

"I'm serious."

"Okay," I said, turning on the phone.

I went to my room without another word. I was upset with her, but I was trying not to be. I plopped down on my bed and added a new contact to my phone. I put Alex's number in and named it Aaron, just in case I needed to talk to her for any reason.

I weighed the pros and cons of doing as the program and my mom clearly wanted: date a boy and stay the hell away from Alex.

I didn't want to do either, but I didn't want to go back to that idiotic place. Plus, this was for the best. I could stop getting called a freak, Caitlyn would leave us alone, and most importantly, my mom wouldn't hate me anymore.

I woke up to my alarm clock. After turning it off, I lay in bed, looking at the ceiling. Being back at school would be weird.

"Come on, Michelle, you're going to be late."

I cringed. "Mitchie. I am Mitchie," I whispered into the quiet room. "Mitchie."

Once I got to school, I immediately found Alex with Dean's arm wrapped around her shoulders. She looked uneasy, as he high-fived his friend and shouted. Her eyes lit up and she excused herself and walked towards me.

I swallowed, unsure if I could handle this.

"Hey," she said. "So, are you back? I'll break up with Dean." She smiled, trying to take my hand.

I quickly moved my hand to my backpack, pretending to readjust the strap. My heart ached and I let out a shaky breath. "So, you're really dating him?"

She nodded slowly. "Yeah…I thought—"

I blinked but still felt my vision blurring. I squinted. "I need to go. It's probably best if we don't talk anymore." I walked away before I could see her reaction.

"Mitchie!"

I cringed and turned to see who was behind me. Emerald. I gave a small wave.

"What's up?" She walked towards my locker, and I figured walking with her wouldn't be a big deal.

"Nothing. I just need to get my books before I head to the gym." I reached for my locker combination knob and spun it slowly.

She scrunched up her nose and leaned against the locker next to mine. "What's in the gym this early?"

"Um," I said as I sifted through my books. "A group meeting."

"Oh, cool. For what?"

"Prayer."

"Oh, you're religious? I didn't know. That's cool."

"Yeah, it's, uh, new." I grabbed a few books and shut my locker.

"Well," she said, as she pushed herself off the locker with her shoe. "That's cool." She rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet. "I'll let you get to it then."

I nodded and walked down the main hall, hoping not to run into anyone else. Pushing open the door to the gym, I saw a group of kids sitting in a circle on the floor with their heads bowed.

I cleared my throat and one of the guys looked up. "Hi. I'm, uh, Mitchie."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Daniel. Are you new here?" He motioned for me to join them and I continued walking towards them.

"Actually, no, I' m a senior." I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt as I sat down in the circle between two girls who looked younger than me.

"That's really awesome. I'm only a sophomore most of us are, since we're the ones who started this group last semester."

I nodded, glancing around at the other kids. I didn't recognize any of them.

"So, what brings you here?"

I bit my lip. I wasn't about to explain myself. "I just found God is all."

He smiled and everyone else nodded. "That's really fantastic. He's a fantastic friend to have in your corner. I know we've all been through some rough times, but He's always had our backs."

A few of the others murmured in agreement.

I pasted my fake smile on and said, "That's awesome. I'm really excited about being here."

#

At lunch, Alex sat down at my table, but stayed quiet. I worked on my homework, trying to come up with something to talk about. I couldn't think of a thing. In fact, I hadn't been able to think of anything to say to her in any of the classes we had together. She had sat silently by my side in all of those, too.

Explaining the entire situation to her seemed too exhausting and I couldn't imagine trying to do that in such a public venue.

The bell rang and I looked at her, begging her not to go, begging her to understand, but she just raised an eyebrow and waited for me to open my mouth. I didn't know what to say, so I just sighed and dropped my eyes.

A few periods later, I walked to gym alone and once I was there, I took my clothes, dressed one of the private showers and walked out of the locker room before Alex even had a chance to give me any more openings I didn't know how to take.

Once I got home, I locked myself in my bathroom and stared at the mirror. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I explain anything to Alex? What did I even want? Did I not know; was that what kept me from talking to her or Emerald?

I glanced at my new phone which was acting as a very fancy clock instead of a phone. I hadn't given my number to Emerald or Alex or anyone, except Daniel. But I wasn't sure that counted, since I'd lied about not getting text messaging, so he wouldn't blow up my phone every minute of every day.

I closed my eyes and gripped the edge of the counter. I felt the cold from it seeping into my palms; it felt good. I thought about the aches in my abdomen, in between my legs, in my heart when I saw Alex today. The jealousy, anger, and hurt I'd felt when I saw Dean doing the things I wanted to do to her. I sighed and opened my eyes. I'd told her to do that, I'd asked her and begged her to find God and date a boy. I had specifically said Dean.

The tearing sensation in my chest forced me to sink down onto the side of the bath tub. I managed to walk, doubled over, to my room and collapse on my bed.

A salty breeze misted us with ocean water and she grabbed the edge of the sandy beach towel to wipe her face. I watched her hair whip around her face. She looked up at me and smiled.

The bright green frames on her sunglasses matched her lime green bikini. She pulled them off, unveiling her warm brown eyes. I took off my matching bright pink glasses and grinned. My eyes flickered to her lips that shone with a light layer of lip gloss.

She gently connected our lips and I could feel her smiling.

"Let's stay here forever." I wrapped my arms around her waist as she straddled me, pushing me back onto the sandy towel.

I opened my eyes and looked around my room, collecting my bearings. The damp feeling in my underwear told me what I didn't want anyone else to know: those four weeks had changed absolutely nothing.

#

As February turned into March, I continued avoiding Emerald and Alex and going to my prayer meetings; I started dating Daniel from prayer group, despite the age difference. Mom was happy with my progress and satisfied with the program she'd sent me to. What she didn't know was that I still had my Alex-centric dreams, I thought of Alex when Daniel kissed me, and the one that I still didn't understand: Alex continued to sit by me in all my classes with her, even lunch.

The only downside to that was that Dean walked Alex to class; Dean kissed Alex hello, goodbye, and then grabbed "one for the road"—so, really, two kisses for each goodbye. Every time I saw him kiss her, I wanted to rip his lips off; my body yearned to be in his spot.

It was the week before spring break and the atmosphere in the cafeteria was electric. I sat down at the lunch table with my tray of food and slowly chewed up a French fry, wishing I would have grabbed some ketchup in line.

Alex caught my eye as she walked up with her tray. She smiled at me and I swallowed and stared at her, trying to form a smile. She sat down across from me; our eyes locked. "So, what are you doing for spring break?"

I shrugged and cleared my throat. "Probably watching movies with Daniel. You?"

She gave a tight smile and blinked, breaking the eye contact, possibly shattering the moment. "That's great. Dean was talking about getting a cabin somewhere and camping, but I think it's too cold for that."

I nodded. It was still pretty chilly; she was right.

"Mitch," she said, quietly. "What's going on with you?"

My eyes immediately started watering and I looked down at my tray. "Please, can we not?"

She sighed and clinking of silverware against plastic signaled that she had picked up her fork. "Sorry."

I wiped my eye. "Thank you."

I was shoving my gym clothes into my bag to take them home over spring break as I piled several books into my bag to do homework during break. The last bell had officially sounded and spring break was upon us.

I tried not to think about the plans Alex and I had made last semester; I tried not to think about her in a cabin with Dean, tried not to vomit in my mouth at the thought of making out with Daniel nonstop for the next seven days. I shook my head and swung my bag over my shoulder.

"Hey," Alex said, grabbing my arm and spinning me around. "Can we talk for a minute?" The hallway was mostly empty and I really did miss her. Her touch still sent my body into a frenzy of emotions and sensations.

I nodded and slid my bag down my arm and set it on the floor.

"What happened? What's going on? Why aren't you talking to me? Did you get a new phone number?"

I stared at her, wide-eyed. All of a sudden, I realized how bad of an idea this had been. When she shot questions at me like that, I knew how much I really did have to explain. I swallowed the nerves in my throat and the urge to kiss her.

"Well?" She shook my arm again.

"Don't touch me, please." I sounded like a robot. I shook my head and stared at her. "Sorry."

Her brow furrowed and she dropped her bag on top of mine. Gripping my shoulders, she pulled me in and kissed me roughly on the lips. I grabbed her hips and pulled her to me and her hands tangled into my hair.

My eyes snapped open and I gently stopped the kiss. "Alex." I leaned my forehead to hers.

"Talk to me, Mitch, please? I think I deserve an explanation…more than what I got anyway." She wrapped her hands around my waist and rested her head on my shoulder.

Suddenly, I realized what this would mean. I didn't want to go back to that stupid conversion camp; I didn't want Caitlyn to harass me or Alex or Emerald. I didn't want my mom to hate me or think I was sick.

Alex pulled away and wiped the tears from my face. "What's wrong? Please, talk to me." She started crying and then we just stood there crying, trying to wipe our own tears and each other's.

"I can't go back there. Alex, I want to be normal. And my mom thinks I'm sick and I don't want her to hate me. I don't want anyone to fuck with me or you or anyone we know." I shook as I spoke through my tears. Exhaling, I realized how I'd been living the last couple of months. "God, they've really fucked with me."

Alex hugged me to her and I tried to let her, but I was terrified Daniel or Dean would see us like this and know.

I pulled away and shook my head. "Alex, I cannot do this. I can't go back there. I'm sorry." I grabbed my bag, causing hers to land with a thunk on the hard flooring.

"Mitchie!"

I ignored her shouting as best as I could.

"You're the one who told me I couldn't fuck myself straight. You can't honestly believe your mom is right, that you're sick, that this camp you went to worked, that you like boys now and that you can be normal. Mitchie, they're the freaks, don't you get it? You and me, we're normal; we're so normal, we're boring. Just because I'd rather kiss you over Dean doesn't mean I'm a freak, and it doesn't make you a freak because you'd rather kiss me, too. With me, you're normal. Your mom is the crazy one. You can't believe this fucking worked, because I know it didn't. No matter how many times I kiss Dean, nothing fucking works!"

I turned around and dropped my bag. I walked up to her and pointed my finger directly at her; I walked so quickly that I poked her with my outstretched finger. "It didn't work. I know it didn't fucking work, but that doesn't matter. As long as my mom and Caitlyn think I'm normal, then you're safe, we're safe and they can't fucking touch us. I still dream about you every fucking night, I can't stand Daniel's kisses, and believe me, I know I'm crazier now than I ever was when I was with you or struggling to understand my feelings for you. Don't you dare think that I don't know exactly how fucked up this whole situation really is."

I panted, trying to control my rage as the edges of my vision pulsed and I stood so close to her that I could smell the scent of her melon shampoo.

She grabbed my finger and held onto it. "Then why are you dating Daniel?"

I threw my hands up, jerking my finger out of her grip. "Because you're dating Dean! Because my mom doesn't want me to date girls, because "GOD" doesn't want me to date you!" I air quoted God; we both knew God was just my mom.

"Oh my fucking god, Mitchie, I'm only dating Dean because you told me to! You wrote me that damned letter and told me to fucking date him and that you were praying for me. Do you understand that I completely believed you had lost your fucking mind, especially when you signed it Michelle? Fucking hell." She was up in my face and I could smell the faint aroma of cinnamon gum on her breath.

I turned my head before I could kiss her. "I need to leave."

"Fine. But the ball is in your court, Mitch. Fucking call me. Or at least, call Emerald. Just fucking call someone who isn't that dumbass Daniel."

Once I got home, I had the house to myself for two hours. I unpacked my bag and then looked at my phone; I still had an hour. Not only had I put Alex's number under Aaron, I'd stuck Emerald's number under the name Chris.

I drummed my fingers against my desk and stared at the clock as it signaled an entire minute had passed. I picked up my phone and considered calling Alex; instead, I decided I'd compose a text message. I wrote one, but then deleted it. It wasn't what I wanted to say.

#

It was already noon, but I was still in bed. It was only Monday of spring break and already I wished I could be back at school. After Alex's real life kiss on Friday, dream-Alex wasn't doing it for me. I slid my hand into my underwear and thought of Alex. Once I was done, I decided I'd shower and venture out into the world, something I hadn't done since coming back from the crazy camp.

I found myself outside of Emerald's house, staring up at her window. I pulled out my cell phone and called her.

"Hello?"

"Em," I said. "Are you home? Are you busy?"

Her voice sounded guarded when she spoke. "Who is this?"

"Mitchie. I got a new number. Well, actually, my mom took my phone away and got me a new number…after..."

"Where have you been? Are you okay? You've seemed really weird at school and what is with the prayer group thing? What happened to you?" Her voice was rushed and I could feel the concern wrapping around me like a comfortable blanket. "I'm home, you can come over. Or I can come to you."

"I'm outside."

A few minutes later, I was sitting on her bed with a cup of pink lemonade in my hand, explaining everything to her.

"Wow, that's fucked up. So, what are you going to do?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I was just going to make it through this semester, try to move out as soon as I could this summer and then maybe go to college next year and just never come home."

She kneeled down in front of me. "Mitchie, I'm so sorry that your mom put you through that bullshit. Those camps can be fucked up. You can't put up with that. You're eighteen, right?"

I nodded.

"You should move in here, it's just me and my mom most of the time, since my dad works weird hours, and we have a guest room. You could move in here and just not deal with her anymore."

I blinked and shook my head. "It's not that easy…I mean, she's my mom."

"No, she's your mother. A mom loves you no matter what; a mother just gives birth to you."

I pulled away from her and moved up the bed and leaned against the headboard, curling into a ball. "You're wrong. She loved me before she caught me and Alex."

Emerald sat on the bed and pulled me on to her lap. "But while you were dating Alex, you were the same person you'd always been, you were the same you when she caught you two…Nothing should have changed. Her love had conditions, Mitch. You don't need to put up with that bullshit just because you came out of her womb."

I shook as my body betrayed me. A sad, pained sound ripped through me and I started sobbing. She held onto me tightly, stroking my hair and I felt we were repeating the first time we'd met.

I finally calmed down and I wiped my eyes and she handed me a box of tissue from her nightstand. I blew my nose and started at the box of tissues, wondering if I was done crying.

"Alex kissed me Friday after gym class. She told me the ball was in my court."

"Are you going to see her at all this break?" Emerald stroked my hair and let her fingers trail down my torso, tracing designs and patterns on the back of my shirt.

"I didn't plan to. She said Dean was going to take her camping or something, but she didn't seem too thrilled about it."

"Well, call her." She scratched my back, before sliding her hand back in my hair.

"No," I said. "I'd rather just talk to her in person."

"Then go over there." She ruffled my hair and twisted a chunk around her finger.

"I don't know what to say."

She massaged my scalp. "Just say anything; it'll be better than all this silence you've given her."

I sighed and rested my head on her shoulder as I looped my arms around her shoulders; I was still on her lap. It felt nice to be this close to someone who didn't have a boner pressed against his pants. "I should probably leave soon."

"Okay, but think about what I said. Please?"

"I'll probably go talk to her when I leave here, honestly." I crawled off her lap and stood up, raking my hands through my hair and readjusting my clothes.

She got up too and stretched. "That's good, but I meant the other part of our conversation. Think about moving in here. You're eighteen, so, she can't say no or whatever."

An hour later, I walked down the sidewalk, eating a giant, soft pretzel. I turned onto another street and found myself outside of the sub shop. I sighed and sat down on the front steps. Maybe once I finished eating, I'd go in and order a sandwich or a drink, maybe Alex was working here instead of at the record store today. Or well, I assumed she still worked at the record store, because I didn't anymore.

I balled up my trash and walked over to the trash can across the street. I wiped my mouth and turned around. Alex was staring at me, her mouth hung open and I was sure my expression mirrored hers.

"Mitchie." She smiled and walked across the street to me. "What are you doing here? Have you been crying?"

I looked away, trying to resist hugging her or worse. "Can we just go inside, please?"

She nodded and slung her arm over my shoulders. "Of course, we'll go talk in my room, if that's okay?"

I swallowed and nodded jerkily.

We walked up to her room and she closed and locked the door. She started to say something, but I cut her off. Pulling her to me, I smashed my lips onto hers. She reached up and wiped tears from my face and I broke the kiss to do it myself.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be here."

She shook her head. "No, you should be here. Mitch, you belong here, with me." She slowly took my hand and laced our fingers together. She leaned into me and I wondered if she could hear my heart hammering away in my chest.

"Alex." I felt a new burst of tears trying to come to the party, but I took a deep breath and attempted to fight them. "I don't want to see Daniel anymore and I don't want you to date Dean anymore. And I just want to be with you and I wish I had the confidence to tell my mom to fuck off and I just want to be happy with you."

She guided us onto the bed and she wrapped her arms around me, pulling me down onto the bed with her. "Shh," she whispered into my hair. "It'll be okay."

"I can't date you, though. Caitlyn will give us hell, my mom will be mad and I'm sure she'll find some other program to put me in. And I'm afraid it'll last longer than four weeks…" My voice cracked and I let my sentence go unfinished as I started crying. I couldn't voice my biggest fear: my mom would hate me so much, she'd kick me out.

"Mitchie, I don't care how I am with you. I just want to be with you. We can sneak around, we can keep the boys around and see each other on the weekends, and we can just be quiet and not ever do anything in public." I felt her lips press into my hair. "I don't care if we're out or in the closet, as long as we're there together. Please?"

I sighed and twisted around in her arms. "There is just so much wrong with what you're saying. One, we can't do that to the boys, they're nice guys…they're just not for us. And don't you get it? My mom does not want me anywhere near you. That's why I don't work at the record store anymore, that's why I've been basically afraid to talk to you at school, in case the teachers or principal are reporting to my mom about who I'm hanging around."

She stared at me, unblinking. "I think you're being paranoid about the mom thing, but I guess you're right about Dean and Daniel, they don't deserve to be cheated on, just because we're gay."

I covered her mouth. "Don't use that word."

"Oh, whatever, Mitchie. It's what we are." She sat up and looked at me, an eyebrow raised. "Gay! Gay! Gay!"

I closed my eyes and shook my head. "Stop it." I glanced at her, trying to cover her mouth again.

She moved out of my reach and smirked. "Why, Mitchie? You don't think you're gay?" Her voice got louder when she said, 'gay'. I tried to put my hand over her mouth before she yelled it any louder. "Shut me up, Mitch. Show me how not gay you are!" She jumped off the bed, yelling 'gay'.

I grabbed her from behind, wrapping myself around her waist. "Shut up!"

"That's not how you shut me up!" She continued to shout gay over and over again, trying to wiggle out of my grip.

Spinning her around to face me, I smashed my lips onto hers. She deepened the kiss quickly and pushed me up against the door. I grabbed her hips and she took me by the shoulders, guiding me to the bed. She fell down onto it and I fell on top of her, breaking the kiss.

She panted and smiled up at me, a strand of her hair stuck to her forehead. "Sure you're not gay?"

I laughed and rested my head against her shoulder. "Idontknow."

"What was that? I couldn't quite understand you." She tickled me, causing me to lose my balance. I went from hovering over her body to being pressed firmly against her.

She continued to tickle me until I couldn't breathe. "I'm gay," I said, trying to gain more air.

Her fingers stopped running up and down my sides and gripped my hips tightly. "Good, because I only make out with queers." She kissed me and as soon as I kissed back, her tongue was running over my lips.


	9. Of Course

We Go Down Together

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except Emerald.

Thanks for reading and reviewing. It's always appreciated!

Chapter 9: Of Course

The phone rang three times before I could find it in my blankets. The name Aaron flashed on the screen. I stretched as I hit the answer button.

"Hey, what are you doing tonight?" Alex's voice was rushed and quiet.

I thought for a minute: Wednesdays, even the Wednesday of spring break, were family dinners. "Dinner with Mom and Dad and then I think Daniel wants to go see a movie. Why?"

"Try to meet me at Melody's bonfire around ten. Emerald will be there, too." She hung up without another word.

I hadn't been to Melody's, or spoken to Melody, since the party where I'd met Emerald. I bit my lip and stared at my phone. Surely, Daniel would be down for a party at a senior's house. He may have been religious, but he wasn't anti-social.

"How was your day?" My mom speared a green bean and delicately put it in her mouth.

I picked at my food, moving my carrots around with my fork. "It was okay."

"What about you, honey?" My mom smiled at my dad.

My dad nodded, giving a grunt. Ever since I'd gotten back from center, he'd been working longer hours, talking to me less, and I barely ever saw him speak to my mom. A few times a week, I'd hear whispered arguments if I crept through the house, trying to avoid them in the evenings.

"Well, that's great," my mom said, cutting her meat loaf with her knife.

She babbled on about her day and when she finished, she asked me what I had planned for tomorrow.

"I was thinking about looking for a new job." I'd been coming up with reasons to be out of the house during the day, so that I could hang out with Alex.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

I shrugged. "Why not?"

"Well, you wouldn't be home as much and it may get in the way of your meetings."

She thought I was still going to my prayer groups on Monday and Thursday nights and she was still under the impression that I was going to church on Sundays. I hadn't been doing either for a few weeks; instead, I went to the park and fed bread to the birds. I felt bad for lying to her, especially now that I was lying about seeing Alex, but as long as she thought I was being a good daughter, she didn't look at me the way she did when she came to visit me in the center.

After dinner, I sat on my bed, thinking about the looks she'd given me at the center. She looked at me like I was crazy, gross, pathetic.

I licked my lips. Did I really want to go to the party? I couldn't exactly ask her for permission. She knew Melody was a mutual friend of mine and Alex; I was certain she'd connect the dots.

I dialed Daniel's number and paced my room as I waited for him to answer.

"Hey, sweetheart, are you done with your family dinner?"

I bit down on my thumb, feeling my teeth sink into my skin. "Yeah, but I was wondering, would you want to go to a party with me instead of catching that movie?"

"Sure. I'll pick you up in ten minutes."

I glanced at my reflection, making sure Alex's shirt still looked decent on me. "Okay. But, um, could you just call me when you get here, please? My dad's not feeling too great and my mom was talking about going to bed early tonight, so I don't want to disturb them."

We hung up and I quickly sent Emerald a message, telling her I'd be there with Daniel.

Thirty minutes later, I was standing Melody's kitchen, drinking water with Daniel as someone did a keg stand. Daniel was completely entranced by the keg stand process, but I wasn't. Fingers grazed my elbow and I turned to see Emerald.

"What are you drinking?" I slipped out of the room with two plastic, red cups of beer as Daniel high-fived the guy who had just finished the keg stand. Emerald led the way up to Melody's room. I shut the door and locked it behind me.

Within seconds, Alex's arms were around my neck. She hiccupped and sloppily kissed my cheek. "Mitchie," she said, placing her finger against my nose. "Get on my level. Like right now."

I laughed and shook my head. "I can't. Daniel might see me if I go back downstairs."

"I'll refill that beer and get us a round of shots." Emerald took the cup from my hand and winked.

"Okay." She tried to look at Emerald as I guided her away from the door. "Thanks, girl." Her speech was so slurred that it sounded more like 'thankssssgurrrl'. I couldn't contain my giggles. "Whatchoo laughin' at?" She hiccupped and giggled. "Mitchie, I'm so happy you're here."

I sank down onto the floor at the base of Melody's bed, using the base as a backrest. "You're so drunk, Lex."

She dropped down next to me and leaned her head on my shoulder. "So, I can deal with Dean."

I frowned, feeling guilt for a variety of reasons. "I'm sorry I asked you to date him." I looked down at my lap, inspecting my nails.

She tilted my head up as she crawled into my lap. "It's okay," she said. "Caitlyn doesn't shove hateful notes into my locker anymore. And Dean isn't that bad." She swayed a little, gripping the bed frame for support. "But I have you now, so everything's perfect." She blinked one eye at a time and I suppressed a laugh, but not the smile. "Whatcha smiling at?" She grinned and kissed me on the mouth; her breath reeked of vodka.

I coughed as I tried to kiss back, unprepared for the tidal wave of alcoholbreath.

She pulled away, wiping her excess sip from my lips. "Sorry, Mitchie. I think I can't see your real lips."

I laughed. "It's okay. I just—I really do feel bad about doing this to Daniel and Dean. And I feel bad for sneaking around behind my mom's back. God, she thinks I'm seeing a stupid movie with Daniel."

She kissed me again and I kissed back lightly, before the guilt hit me again. I pushed her away. "Stop. We talked about this…"

She draped her arms around me and rested her head on mine. "Fuck 'em all. Nobody has to know." Her words slurred as she swayed and she grabbed my shoulders; I got another burst of her breath.

"I'm sorry." I hugged her to me. "I'm really sorry about everything."

She sighed, relaxing into me. "It's okay. I just wish things were—"

The door opened and Emerald walked, waving a bottle of mostly full vodka and two cups of beer. She placed the bottle on the desk and pulled two shot glasses out of her jean pockets.

Alex clapped loudly as she stumbled out of my lap and over to the mini-bar Emerald had created.

I high-fived Emerald before Alex managed to get a shot glass into my hand. I looked at Emerald and bit my lip. She winked before walking across the room to the open floor space.

#

I opened my eyes and looked around for the light source, because it was killing my head. Alex groaned as I accidentally stepped on her foot as I stumbled over to shut the blinds.

"How did we get here?" We were in Emerald's bedroom.

"Good morning, sleepy heads." Emerald stepped into the room, holding a cup of coffee to her lips. "It's eleven-thirty and Mitchie, your mom has called four times. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't mess with it, so your phone on the table where you left it last night. Alex, your phone is MIA, I've heard it go off a few times, but I can't find it."

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and sank back down to the floor in front of the window. "Shit. I told her Daniel and I were seeing a movie and that I'd be home by one."

"Oh, that reminds me! Daniel's left two voicemails and called six times. But there is some good news. Alex, are you up?" Emerald sat down at her desk and turned the chair around to face us.

"Alex, wake up." I poked her leg.

"I am up, Mitchie." She slid under the bed. "Now, stop talking so loudly and maybe I'll come out."

I rolled my eyes and looked at Emerald. "So, what's the good news?"

"Well, this is great gossip. Dean cheated on Alex!" A giant smile was plastered on her face.

I blinked and cocked my head. "How is that good news?"

"I have a reason to break up with him." Alex's muffled response came from under the bed. She poked her head out and gave a small smile to me.

I smiled slowly and nodded, feeling a little jealous. "Well, that's great."

"I guess I'd better do that."Alex wiggled out from under the bed and fished her phone out of the clothes pile she'd been using as a pillow.

I forced myself to get up, feeling my muscles protest. I grabbed my phone off the dresser and went to the bathroom. I splashed water on my face and then wiped it off. I listened to Daniel's voicemails while I washed my mouth out with Emerald's bottle of Listerine.

I listened to it twice before I really understood what he was saying. He was breaking up with me, because I'd ditched him at the party. After realizing that, I didn't bother calling him back. I quickly dealt with my mom, by calling her, apologizing and telling her I fell asleep at Daniel's. She bought it, but I felt awful.

#

By the end of spring break, I was exhausted. Sneaking around was a very hard thing for me to get used to. Two months left of dealing with it sounded miserable. The first couple of weeks, I was still nervous about being seen with Alex or Emerald, especially by Caitlyn. But as time went on, I realized school was going to have to be the place I relaxed a little, since my home wasn't an option. Alex and Emerald both made it clear that I needed to chill out and Emerald had vaguely mentioned that she'd "taken care of" the whole Caitlyn issue, but Caitlyn was still alive and seemed normal, other than I'd catch her staring at me every now and then.

I leaned against the porcelain sink, washing my hands in the girls' bathroom, waiting for Alex to meet me. We'd taken to having an occasional bathroom rendezvous on Wednesdays since those were the hardest days for me to get away from my parents. My mom was usually working from home and wanted to have family dinners; other days, I could get away with coming home from "the library" a few minutes before or after my mom got in.

"Everyone thinks you were in a really bad car accident, but I know." Her voice was soft and I felt chills run up my spine. Caitlyn.

I turned off the faucet and grabbed a paper towel. Wiping my hands, I tried to keep my breathing even.

"Did you hear me?" She stood, leaning against the wall next to the full-length mirror, her hands behind her back.

"Yes," I said, tossing the paper towel into the trashcan.

"Well?"

I focused on her, confusion on my face. "What do you want, Caitlyn?" I pinched the bridge of my nose as I looked down, closing my eyes. "Are you here to blackmail me? Or kick me around a little bit? Do you have any text books to hit me with? Or wait, my favorite, are you here to make me beg you to not to—"

Her lips were on mine and her tongue was forcing its way into my mouth before I got over my shock.

Pushing her away, I said, "What the fuck?" But it echoed, or well, I thought it did, until Alex's fist collided with Caitlyn's face.

I backed away, holding my hands up. "She kissed me, I swear."

Caitlyn had lost her footing between my shove and Alex's fist, so as she picked herself up off the ground, she spoke. "I might have kissed you, but you're the one who wrote me the fucking note." She held up a piece of paper.

Alex looked at me, hurt forming in her eyes.

"No," I said, shaking my head furiously. "I definitely haven't written you anything."

"Caitlyn." She cleared her throat and continued. "You caught me! I've got a big fat lesbian crush on you. I know you're afraid of my feelings and your own, so stay away until you can grow up and deal with yourself. Love, Mitchie." Caitlyn shoved the paper in my face and I ripped it from her hand.

"Mitchie?" Alex's eyes looked a little watery.

I pulled her to me as I read the note again, looking at the handwriting. "Just look, Alex." I pointed at the slant of the M in my name. "I don't write it like that."

Alex pulled a pen out of her pocket and held it out, near my hand. "Prove it."

I kissed the side of her head and took the pen. "Okay." I pressed the paper to the wall and wrote my name on the back of the note. "See?"

Alex looked at it, squinting for a few seconds. "Then who wrote this?"

I had a feeling I knew, but I just shook my head instead and sighed. "I don't know. But it wasn't me."

Caitlyn stared at us and Alex eyed her and then me. Finally, she just sighed. "I think I'll just see you in gym class, Mitchie." Alex walked out despite my protests.

"Look," Caitlyn said once we were alone. "You don't have to lie. I know you wrote it." She snatched the paper out of my hand and stood closer than I would have liked.

"Caitlyn." I grabbed her wrist as she tried to walk out. "I really didn't write that. I don't know who did, but it wasn't me."

Caitlyn ripped loose from my grip and pressed her index finger to my chest. "You tell anyone about this and you're dead."

I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her up against the big mirror. "If you don't want your little secret to get out, you will leave Alex and me alone for the rest of the school year. Got it?" I was so sick of her bullshit, so tired of never getting to stand up to her last semester. And now, I knew her dirty, little secret: she liked me.

I held her against the wall until she finally sighed and ripped up the note. "Fine."

She tossed the pieces in my face; I jerked away releasing her.

"No one." She shoved my shoulder as she walked by, leaving me alone.

I pressed my forehead to the cool glass and let my palms soak up some of the cold, too. I sent a message to Emerald before heading back to class. Once the bell rang, Emerald was waiting at the door for me.

"What's up?" She bounced on the balls of her feet.

"Did you write a note to Caitlyn on my behalf?" We walked down to her locker.

"Shit. I may have. Why?" She dumped a few items into her locker and grabbed different books and folders.

"She kissed me in the bathroom. Alex walked in on it, and Caitlyn claims to know where I'd been at the beginning of the semester."

She stared at me, wide-eyed. "No way." Her mouth hung open and then slowly, she started laughing. "You're fucking with me, right?"

"No, I'm not." I scowled; whatever had caused her to laugh was lost on me.

Her gin fell and she bit her lip. "Shit, seriously? I'm sorry."

"Why the hell did you think that would be a good idea?" She shut her locker and started to walk, but I grabbed her arm.

"Mitchie, shit, I thought it'd be fun to fuck with her for once. If she was terrified that you would turn her gay, then I figured she'd leave you alone. How was I supposed to know she was a closet case?"

I let go of her, but we stayed in front of her locker as the crowd thinned out. "Em, you shouldn't have done that."

"I'm sorry. What do you want me to do?" She glanced at the kids passing us. "We're going to be late."

"I want you to tell Alex and Caitlyn both that you wrote it, not me." We started walking towards the hallway we both needed.

"That's totally fair. I can do that." She gave me a half hug and kissed the side of my head. "Really, though, M, I'm sorry. It was stupid to do that, especially without telling you. It won't happen again."

"Thank you," I whispered as she let go of me and disappeared into a few classroom a few down from mine.

In gym, Alex came up to me, her phone held out. I stared at it: it was a message from Emerald, explaining and apologizing.

"I'm sorry," she said, lowering her phone. "Are we still on for the library tomorrow?"

I smiled. "Maybe tonight." I pulled my shirt over my head and pulled on my gym shirt.

Alex's face lit up. "Really?"

"Yeah," I said, sliding my jeans off. "I could tell my mom I have a school project to do or something. She's been getting a little less involved since I haven't fought her on basically anything."

Alex nodded and tied her shoes as I slid my shorts up my legs. "Cool. Just let me know either way, okay?"

At the end of class, I waited for Alex and somehow we managed to be a few of the last people out.

"Mitchie, can I talk to you for a minute?"

I rolled my eyes at Alex before turning around to face Caitlyn. "What do you want?"

"Your weird, blonde friend told me what happened." She readjusted the strap of her gym bag which was slung over her shoulder.

I glanced at Alex and then looked back to Caitlyn. "This doesn't change our agreement."

Alex's fingers slid into mine; I glanced at her again to see a frown on her face.

Caitlyn shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "Whatever." She turned to leave and I let go of Alex's hand and ran out of the locker room after Caitlyn. I needed to know one more thing.

"Hey, Caitlyn," I said, as she walked up the stairs to the main floor.

She spun around and looked at me, her eye makeup looked a little smudged.

I frowned, but ignored it. "I need to know something."

"What, Mitchie?"

"How do you know where I was?"

"Because my mom did the same thing and I did the same thing and I—I just, I let her." She twisted around and left, but not quickly enough for me to avoid hearing the sob.

I bit my lip and shook the sympathy from my mind; I turned around to find Alex staring at me.

"What was that?" She handed me my bag and I thanked her with a quick peck on the lips as I took it.

"I wondered why she knew where I'd been…I thought it was going to drive me crazy." I shrugged and led the way up to the main floor.

On the way to the car, I thought about what Caitlyn had said. She'd just let her mom do what? Walk all over her? Because playing along felt like I was just letting my mom run my life.

"Mitchie, you okay?" Alex took my key from me and unlocked the car.

I leaned against the passenger door. "Sorry. Sometimes, going home is just really exhausting and I dread it." It wasn't a complete lie, I did feel that way, but I was also considering Caitlyn's words, but I didn't have the energy to explain the weight of them right now.

Ever since my return from the center, my dad had been working later, my mom was dead-set on having family dinners, but my dad was usually zoned out for them, leaving my mom to yammer at me and interrogate me as we ate.

"I'm sorry," Alex said, leaning next to me. She rested her head on my shoulder. "You want to try sneaking over tonight?"

I laughed and shook my head. "Thanks, but I'm not trying to piss my mom off."

"Why do you let her walk all over you? Doesn't all of this just piss you off?"

I ran my hand through my hair and closed my eyes. Sometimes, I hated how in tune to each other we were. "It's not like this is Caitlyn or some random bitch, it's my mom. I mean, I want her to love me."

Alex sighed and nodded, lifting her head and looking me in the eye. "Mitch, I'm sorry, but maybe, you should consider the way she loves you. It doesn't sound healthy. She wants to make sure you're a certain way or else she doesn't love you? Come on, you really think that's okay?"

"No, Lex, I don't. But what am I supposed to do?" I sighed. I didn't know why, after everything Mom had put me through, I still felt like I needed her approval, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to be the daughter she wanted me to be. I wanted her to hug me and tell me she loved me.

"Move out. You shouldn't have to put up with that. Seriously, you said Emerald offered up her guest room, I think you should move in with her. If not her, then me. My house is always yours, too."

I regretted telling Alex that Emerald had given me that option, because she'd been pushing it just as much as Emerald had.

"Have you even told your parents about us?" I walked around to the driver's side and got into the car.

"Well, actually, no, but if that's what you want, you can come to dinner this Friday and we can tell them together."

I pulled out of the parking lot and stopped at a stoplight before glancing at her. "Do I have to be there?"

"I'd prefer it, yes." She unzipped her bag and got out her cell phone.

"Can I think about it?" I chewed on the inside of my cheek, rubbing my tongue over the soft flesh.

She stayed quiet the rest of the ride and when we pulled up to her stop; she looked at me, her hand on the handle. "Was that enough time to think about it?"

I leaned my head against the steering wheel. No. I sighed and nodded. "What time?"

"Six," she said, leaning over and kissing my temple. "Thank you."

#

Emerald sat on the park bench next to me, tossing stale bread at the assortment of birds gathered at our ankles.

"Mitchie, this will be good for you. Maybe telling Alex's parents will go better than things with your mom did and you can get more comfortable with the idea of telling people in general." She tore up another piece of bread as she spoke.

"I guess you're right. But what if they're like my parents?" I ripped the crust off the edges of a piece of the bread and threw it piece by piece to the birds.

"Well, then, you're fucked." She laughed and swung her arm around my shoulders. "I'm kidding. Maybe if she's got parents like yours, then you should both move out and get jobs and live together. It'll be okay."

I sighed. "I mean, I don't really have a problem saying I'm gay. I can say it to you or Alex…But I want my parents and hers to like me…it's harder when I think I'm going to be rejected." I shrugged as her arm tightened to stay on me.

"M, I have news for you. You are going to face a lot of rejection in life. Because you're gay, because you're a woman, because society will wake up one day and decide a size two isn't skinny enough. Sometimes, people aren't going to like you, because your hair's too long, too short, too dark, too light; or you have too many tattoos, or not enough, or whatever. If someone wants to hate you, they'll always find a reason. Trying to please everyone is setting yourself up to be used and abused, and it's a surefire way to lose yourself." She grabbed my hands and pulled me up.

We stood on the bench, the black birds and the pigeons pecked away at the bread crumbs on the ground.

"Shout it loud and proud, Mitchie. Let the chips fall where they may, say fuck you to anyone who doesn't love you for you."

I giggled nervously. "I can't."

"Do it, Mitchie. I swear, you'll feel better. Every time I touch you, I know exactly how tense and stressed you are; your body gives you away." She threw her arms up, taking mine with hers. "Come on, just yell it out like this." She took a deep breath and let go of my hands as she brought hers back to her sides as she yelled at the top of her lungs. "I'm bisexual and I don't give a fuck who knows it!" The pigeons went on pecking at the ground, but the black birds took off. "Come on, you try."

She had a strangely excited look about her and the energy was contagious. She gently shook me by my arms.

I smiled as I took a deep breath and yelled. "I'm gay!"

"Louder! And you have to add the last part," she said, through some laughter.

I shook my head and giggled again. "No."

"Yes!" She tickled me until I couldn't breathe.

"All right," I finally gasped. "All right."

She let go of me and we stood there on the bench while I caught my breath. Once I could, I took a deep breath and tried again. "I'm gay and I don't care who knows!"

"No," she said, putting her hands on her hips. "That's not what I said. Do you need to be tickled again?"

I flinched as she took a step towards me. "No." I took a deep breath and yelled as loud as I could. "I'm fucking gay and I don't give two fucks who knows!"

She busted out laughing loudly, clapping. The pigeons flew away and she howled. "Way to go, M! Do you feel better?"

I realized my shoulders felt lighter, that a tension I'd been carrying in my neck was gone and that my head seemed clearer. "Oh my god." I laughed. "How'd you know that would work?"

"Before I chopped off my hair, dyed it and started dressing like this, I used to be really into pleasing people and making sure everyone else was happy and liked me, instead of making sure I was happy and that I liked myself. I didn't want to feel like an outcast, but then I realized being an outcast would be better, as long as I liked myself and was happy with who I was."

I stayed quiet. There wasn't much I could say to that, because it made sense. I just couldn't understand applying it to myself.

"Did standing up and saying that make you feel free?"

I nodded slowly and brought my attention back to her. "Yeah, but—"

"No 'buts', do you feel better?" She raised an eyebrow and held my eyes.

I thought about it for a minute before finally nodding.

"Then why don't you want to feel this stress-free all the time?"

I didn't have any rebuttals for that. I looked down at my sneakers and noticed my left one was untied. "What if I try talking to my mom and she—" My voice cracked and I wiped a tear from my eye. I took a deep breath and continued. "What if she doesn't love me, what do I do?"

She hugged me tightly. I watched as the pigeons slowly returned over her shoulder. We stood on the bench, pressed together as she spoke. "I'm completely ready for you to move in with my family. I've talked to my parents, they've said you'd be welcome to stay as long as you want."

I looped my arms under her armpits and gripped her shoulders, staring at a bicyclist on a path a few miles down from us. "Alex said I could move in with her, too."

She pulled me away far enough to see me. "Then go for it. You've got people who know and love you. Tell Alex's parents for practice, then talk to yours. Mitchie, you may not get a perfect, happy ending, but I promise you'll be happier and you'll have a good support system."

I licked my lips and nodded. "Thank you." I leaned my head on her shoulder.

She rubbed my back and tightened her arms around me. "Of course."


	10. Good Luck

We Go Down Together

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except Emerald.

Thank you for reading and reviewing. I never planned on this being longer than ten chapters, so this is it. I hope it's been enjoyable!

Chapter 10: Good Luck

AfterI came home from the park, I spent the remainder of Thursday night weighing the pros and cons of telling my parents the truth before I went to dinner with Alex's family. I didn't want to have to make up any kind of lies about where I was or that I was going out with Daniel. After feeling that good on the bench, I was tired of the lies; I didn't want to feel that stressed anymore.

I sat on my bed, trying to decide what I would want to pack up, because I wanted to be ready. I took inventory of my belongings, making a list and packing the items into my duffel bag as I went. I set the outfit for Friday in my desk chair and then waited until my parents went to sleep.

I dialed Alex's number and she greeted me with an excited "Mitchie!"

"Alex," I said, glancing at the door. "I'm going to need your help. Meet me at the backdoor of my house in an hour. Take the shortcuts we used to when we were little; it's faster. Don't knock or make any noise; I'll text you."

"I'll be there. But hey, are you okay?"

I paced between my room window and the bed, peeking out into the night. "Yeah, never been better actually. Emerald and I had a really good talk today; I'll explain later."

I heard footsteps on the stairs and slid the duffel bag under my bed, before jumping under the covers fully dressed.

"I don't understand why you're doing this to her." My dad's voice was quiet as he got to the top of the stairs. "Her finals are in two weeks. You can't seriously think this is a good idea."

"Honey, you'll understand later. She's sick; she doesn't need to be at that school anymore. Now let's just talk to her."

I felt goose bumps breaking out all over my skin as I listened to them. I swallowed the nerves trying to sneak into my mouth. My stomach did flips as my door creaked open.

"Mitchie, are you awake?"

I lifted my head off the pillow, feigning sleepiness. "Mom?"

"We'd like to talk to you about something."

Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes. Stretching, I yawned. "What is it?"

They opened the door all the way and stood, looming in the door frame. My dad coughed and looked down at his bare feet. My mom gave me the same smile she'd been giving me since the center.

"We're pulling you out of school on Monday." My mom clamped her hands together. "We're going to move to a different school district."

"What? Why?" I stared at her, then glanced at my dad.

My mom bowed her head, her smile falling just a little bit. "I came to pick you up from school a few days ago and I saw you getting into your car with Alex. We just think your progress may be faltering a little bit."

I licked my lips and looked at my dad, waiting for his input.

He just held up his hands and said, "I support your mom's decisions."

My eyes narrowed and I shook my head. "You guys are fucked up, sorry excuses for parents, do you understand?" I threw the blankets off me and pulled the duffel bag out from under my bed. I grabbed my outfit from my desk chair and shoved it into my backpack. I slung the bag onto my back and grabbed the duffel bag by its handles.

"What are you doing?" My mom had finally gotten over her shock from my words.

"I'm leaving, because I can't take another minute with either of you!" I shoved past them, which was easy since they were both still slightly dumbfounded by this outburst. I threw my duffel bag to the bottom of the stairs and rushed down the steps, as my mother came after me, yelling words I couldn't understand through the noise of my heart in my ears.

Her shrill screams were giving me a headache as I pulled the front door open. I tossed my bag outside and then turned around to face her on the porch.

"Mom, that's great that you think you're doing what's best for me or whatever, but this is who I am, and you can't fucking make me be any other way." I threw my head back and cackled. Taking a deep breath, I let the words Emerald had tickled out of me fall from my lips. "I'm gay and I don't give a fuck who knows it!"

My mom's face had lost all its color when I looked at her in the soft lighting of the porch. "You're making a mistake, Michelle." My mom took a step towards me and I backed up. "Let's just sit down and pray and discuss this with God."

"My god, Mom! Drop the fucking act. Before you caught Alex with her hand in my underwear, we never went to church, and you still don't fucking go. You send me on my own. You think church is just for sinners that need correcting, is that it? I've got news for you. When I was going to the church, they were promoting love and self-acceptance, everything you're not. Between you and me, you need more help than I do."

She took another step towards me and as I backed up, I tripped over my bag and that gave her the opening she apparently needed. She kneeled down in front of me and grabbed my knees. "Michelle, listen to yourself, the devil's wormed his way so deeply into you."

"Connie." My dad's voice startled both of us. He ran his hand over his mostly bald head. "Just stop. Come inside and just let her go."

My mom's fingers wrapped around my clothes and tangled in the straps of my backpack. "Come back inside with us, baby. Please." She begged and pleaded and I just tried to crawl over the bag and get back to my feet.

My heart was racing, my breathing was becoming uneven and I saw little pricks of light tearing into my vision. I would never have guessed she'd be so crazy if I tried to leave.

She started crying and praying and saying "Jesus" a lot as I tried to scramble to my feet.

My dad sighed and slowly walked out to us. He kneeled down and broke her arms away from me and lifted her over his shoulder. "Let's just go to bed. How does that sound?"

I assumed he was talking to her, but I stayed where I was, shaking. Did my mom care? What was this? I took a shaky breath. "Dad?" I cleared my throat.

He turned around and looked at me. "Good luck." He went inside without another word.

I blinked, unsure of why I wanted to cry, uncertain if I should really be trying to leave or not. I pulled out my phone and texted Alex, telling her not to come. I pulled myself up onto the top of the duffel bag and cried.

"I'm already here."

I looked up and saw Alex standing at the street, her cell phone in her hand.

Her eyes roamed over me and I wondered how I looked. She came and kneeled in front of me. "Are you okay? What happened?"

I sighed and shook my head. "I don't want to talk about it right now, but can I stay with you tonight?"

"Yeah, definitely. Let's go." She took my backpack off my shoulders and slid it up her arms. "So, do you want to take your car, too? Or not?"

I sighed and shrugged. "I don't want my mom to do something crazy like report it stolen."

Alex's eyes widened. "Oh my god, would she do that?"

I yawned as we turned onto the next street. "I don't know. I just really want to go to sleep. This was exhausting."

She slipped her hand into mine and squeezed. "I know this isn't the most romantic time in the world to tell you this, but…" She stopped walking and took the duffel bag from me. She set it down and took off the backpack. She took my hands and looked into my eyes and I thought I knew what was coming. "I love you."

I smiled wide and pulled her into a hug. "I love you, too, Alex." I loved the warmth of her body against mine, the way her kisses lingered on my lips for days, her melon shampoo and vanilla body lotions, her soft hair; I loved how she could look at me and know what I needed most in the world, the way she could read my mind.

She spoke into my hair as she pulled my hips into hers. "I think you're a lot stronger than you think you are."

#

Alex wrapped her arms around me and kissed the back of my head. "Good night, beautiful."

I blushed in the dark and snuggled deeper into the bed.

We lay there in the dark for a while; neither of us sleeping. Ever since we'd started having our sleepovers again, the electricity between us in the dark could charge a whole city. I twisted around in her arms and kissed her slowly. Her tongue ran over my lips and I opened my mouth. Gripping her hips, I repositioned us so that I was on top of her.

"I think my mom rudely interrupted us last time," I whispered between kisses.

She smiled. "Oh yeah?" She flipped us. "If I remember correctly, you weren't on top that day."

I giggled as her hand worked its way up my torso, bunching my shirt up as it went.

Forty minutes later, we lay side by side, naked and out of breath. She kissed me gently and as she wrapped her bare arms around my middle, I reveled in the way her skin felt when it touched mine. "Are you happy?" Her voice tickled my shoulder.

I turned my head and kissed her forehead. "Yes. Are you?"

"Over the moon." She tightened her arms around me and I slid my arm behind her head and turned onto my side, so I was facing her.

I grinned and buried my head in the crook of her neck. I kissed her lightly along her collar bone. "I'm sorry we've wasted senior year being so fucked up."

She chuckled. "Even though, I had to date the biggest douche I know, I think I'd do it all again if it meant bringing us to this moment."

I sighed and closed my eyes, tracing my fingers along the silky skin of her back. "My mom was going to take me out of school and move to a different school district, because she saw us standing at my car together one day." I traced hearts and circles and random designs as I felt sparks with every new movement.

Our legs tangled together as she tried to pull us together so tightly there weren't any gaps between our bodies. "I'm sorry." She kissed my ears and nose and eyelids. "I wish I could change things in her head."

I pulled away from her a little, kissing her as I detached. "It's okay that you can't. I don't expect that from you, or anyone else. Emerald told me that people will always find a reason to dislike someone when they want to, so even if you made her understand and love me for being gay, I'm sure she'd find something else to criticize me about."

I slid to the edge of the bed and grabbed my clothes from the floor. I tossed Alex her shirt before walking to the bathroom. I walked back into her bedroom a few minutes later and found her sleeping. I quietly climbed into bed and wrapped my arms around her. I kissed the back of her head and thanked God for the people who really did love me.

#

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Alex glanced at me once more before taking my hand as we walked into the kitchen. "I mean, we can still just wait until dinner tonight, if you want."

I shook my head. "No, it's okay. I'd rather not spend the day ready to vomit."

She laughed and squeezed my hand. "Okay." We walked downstairs into the kitchen/living/dining area, holding hands. "Mom? Dad? We've got something to tell you."

Justin brought his head up from the morning paper and Max poked his head in from the balcony as Jerry and Theresa both looked up from the breakfast they were putting together.

"What is it?" Jerry said as Theresa's eyes narrowed in on our hands.

Alex swallowed and took a deep breath. "Mom, Dad, I'm happier now than I've ever been, so please, keep that in mind when I say this." She tightened her grip on my hand. "Mitchie and I are dating. This isn't some phase, this isn't something we're going to outgrow, this is what we want." She glanced at me and then looked back at her parents. "I don't know about Mitch, but I know she's it. I just want her. No one else."

Jerry blinked, and glanced at Theresa; they shared a nod and then walked over to us and hugged us both.

"We love you both," her mom said as she pulled away and turned her attention to Jerry.

Jerry sighed and pulled a ten out of his wallet. I glanced at Alex, unsure what was happening. She shrugged as her mom took the money and put it in the pocket of her apron.

They glanced at us; Jerry was growing red in the face. "We may have a tiny bet going since you were thirteen." He coughed and walked back into the kitchen.

My eyes widened and I glanced at Alex who rolled her eyes. "You guys are so weird." She let go of my hand and sat down at the table as Justin and Max went back to their projects, unfazed by the news. "So, you guys okay with this then?"

"Of course, why wouldn't we be?" Jerry turned on the waffle maker and Justin flipped the page of the newspaper. The whole moment was very anti-climatic.

I laughed. Alex looked at me, a question in her eyes. I buried my face in my arms on the table top and tried to calm down as a case of the giggles washed over me.

"Well, Mitchie's mom walked in on us while we were kissing over winter break and then she sent her to a conversion center and forced her to stay away from me for several months, and Mitchie, like, left home last night, for good…I just—we weren't expecting…"

I looked up to see Alex gesturing around the room. "This," I said, fighting off another laugh.

Theresa came up and hugged me tightly. "You've always been a second daughter to me, mija." She kissed the top of my head, sobering me of all my laughter. "You are welcome here for as long as you want to be here, okay?"

I nodded and licked my lips, trying to fight off tears. "Thank you," I said, wiping my eyes. I was so tired of crying, even if this time they were happy tears.

#

"M, I'm really proud of you," Emerald said as she tore up a piece of bread for the birds. We sat on our park bench after school; I'd just finished explaining last night's events to her. "I told you, it would work out."

I exhaled as I nodded. "Yeah, I guess. I mean, I just wish that my mom would change her mind. I mean, maybe over time she will, but it just sucks knowing that she doesn't want anything to do with the real me."

"At least, your dad is sort of in your corner." She tossed a piece of crust and it landed on a pigeon's head.

I shook my head. "No, not really. I think he mostly just wanted her to stop being such a nut job on the front lawn."

"I don't know. He sounds like he was tired of her crazy ass, too. But it doesn't matter right now. They can call you when or if they want to talk."

I flung a piece of bread farther out than our ankles, watching as a squirrel went after it. "I'm just happy that Alex's parents are okay with everything."

She nodded and balled up the plastic bag the loaf had come in. "What are you going to do once school's out?"

I shrugged. "Probably take your advice and get a job and see if Alex wants to work on moving into our own place."

She smiled before getting up and walking over to the trash can. She dumped the bread bag in it and walked over to me, dusting the crumbs off her hands. "Good for you, Mitchie." The black birds flew away with all her movement.

"What are you going to do once school's out?" I stood up and wiped my hands off. The remaining birds took off as I clapped my hands.

"I don't know what I'll do this summer, but I got into some decent colleges back home."

I frowned and grabbed her arm. "You're going back to Ohio?"

She shrugged. "Maybe."

I nodded and hugged her. "I don't want you to go."

She laughed as she wrapped her arms around my neck. "You'll be okay without me."

"I know…but still, I like you, I want you around." We started walking to the sub shop to pick her up from her shift.

"We've always got cell phones, and I don't know, the Internet." She knocked our hips together and laughed. "Unless you forgot how to use technology."

I rolled my eyes. "You know what I mean."

She leaned her head against mine. "I know, M. I know." She sighed and kissed the side of my head. "If you and Alex are ever in Ohio, you can always stay with me."

"Are you going to live alone?"

"Yeah, I think if I do move, I'm going to move into an apartment complex a few streets away from my grandparents."

"Mitchie!" We both turned to see an excited Alex hurrying towards us.

She waved to Emerald and then threw her arms around me, pinning Emerald's arm around my shoulders. Emerald threw her free arm around Alex and the three of us stood there, hugging, and I wished this moment could last forever.

#

I screamed as Alex hit me with a water balloon. We'd gone to the park to feed the birds and have a picnic, but instead of food, Alex had packed the basket full of water balloons.

I grabbed one and tossed it at her, it popped against her chest, soaking her shirt. I laughed and grabbed another, as she hit my side. I felt the edge of my shirt dripping water onto my shoe.

Ten minutes later, she had me pinned to the ground, begging her not to poke a hole in the last balloon as she held it over my face.

"Pick what you want to do today!" She bounced slightly, bringing herself down on my stomach, her bare legs rubbed against my exposed sides. We were laughing so hard and I couldn't think of anything to do other than kiss her.

Summer was two weeks old and we'd done everything we could think of. We'd already gone to the zoo twice, we'd hit the water parks, found a beach, and went on a hike. "Alex," I said, trying to catch my breath. "Do you hear that?"

She froze, listening for a sound I'd invented. I grabbed her arms and twisted, so that I was on top of her. I pried the balloon out of her hand and tossed it aside, kissing her as my hands trailed down her sides. She moaned and reached for the edge of my shorts.

"Alex!" I squealed, jumping up. "We're in a park! Kids could see!"

She laughed and pulled me to her again. "Chill."

I kissed her. "Do you want to take this back to your house?" I mumbled my question against her lips.

She nodded and sat up, breaking the kiss. "Let's go!"

We raced back to her house and found my mom sitting in the sub shop. We both froze and Alex dropped the picnic basket and my hand. We bent down to pick it up, as Theresa nervously backed out of the room.

My mom motioned for me to join her at her table. I let go of the basket and sat down across from her. Alex stood awkwardly in the door way, and I shrugged, biting my bottom lip and raising my eyebrows.

"Could I have a minute alone with my daughter, please?" My mom's voice sounded very tight as if it suddenly killed her to be polite to the girl she'd treated like a second child for the past decade.

Alex mouthed sorry to me as she hurried to the kitchen to stand with her mom. I watched them over my mom's shoulder; they spoke in whispers and I couldn't hear them from here.

I swallowed and kept my eyes on Alex and her mom as I said, "What are you doing here?"

"I came to talk to you." She folded her hands on the table and then spread her fingers across the table cloth, smoothing it out.

I focused on her, my eyes narrowed. "About what?"

"About your…recent decisions." She locked her eyes onto mine.

I tore my eyes away and scooted my chair back a little. "Are you here to accept me or try to convince me I'm making a mistake?"

She sighed and rubbed her fingers against her temples. "Just come home. We can fix this together."

I shook my head and stood up, holding up my hand. "No. I'm not broken."

"Sit down, Michelle."

I scoffed. "For nearly eighteen years, you haven't called me Michelle. Do you really think that a name is what determines who I fall in love with?" Folding my arms over my chest, I sank back down into my chair.

"If this is what you want, let's discuss something else." She slid a paper across the table and I looked at it. "Your father wants to give you your car, but I told him I'd only agree if you put it in your name."

"Fine."

She set another paper on top of the deed to my car. "And the insurance as well."

"Okay." I grabbed both papers and held onto them. "Anything else?"

"We're taking you off our cell phone plan."

I fished the cell phone out of my back pocket and set it on the table. "Take it."

She picked it up with her index finger and thumb as if it were diseased. Gingerly, she placed it in her back.

I shifted in my seat, glancing over her shoulder at Alex who was still standing in the kitchen with her mom. "Is that all?"

I could feel my mom staring at me; I didn't bring my eyes to hers. She sighed and I listened to the chair scrape against the concrete flooring. I slowly turned my head to watch her open the door and walk out without a backward glance.

I swallowed and stood up, nearly knocking the chair to the floor as I tripped over my feet. I ran my hand through my damp hair and Alex met me once I was halfway to the kitchen. She wrapped her arms around me and stroked my hair as I buried my face in her shoulder, breathing in the smell of grass lingering in her wet hair.

Alex took me by the hand and led me up to our bedroom. "Mitchie, I know it's probably not what you want to hear right now, but—"

I kissed her and pressed my forehead to hers. "I love you. And as long as I've got you, I know things will be okay."

She smiled and snaked her arms around my neck. "Things will always be okay then." She rested her head on my shoulder as her hands moved to my waist. "Dance with me."

I rolled my eyes. "Why?"

"Because I think we could both use a little silly right now." She swayed us back and forth in the silence of her room.

I giggled as I looped my arms around her neck. "You're a goofball, you know that, right?"

She grinned and kissed my nose. "Do you love me?"

I nodded. "Always."

"Then I'm okay with being a goofball." She took my hand and twirled me around. "We should go job hunting after we shower."

As she caught me and held me close, I laughed softly. "Sounds like a plan, Stan."

She pulled away, holding me at arm's length, and looked offended. "Do you have a boyfriend I don't know about?"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head, maintaining eye contact. "Seriously, you're so weird sometimes."

She shrugged and pulled me back in. "At least, I'm having fun. You should try it." She laid her head on my shoulder. "I'm tired of leading; you do it for a bit."

I laughed and said, "But I don't know what we were doing."

"Just twirl me." She winked as she lifted her head. "I won't notice that you don't know what you're doing."


End file.
